


Live and Love

by Romantic_at_Heart



Series: The Traumas' We Survive [2]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:26:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 37,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29474685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romantic_at_Heart/pseuds/Romantic_at_Heart
Summary: 'You're one of Max's friends aren't you?'The old man scared Pierre slightly especially with his rough and harsh voice.'You know Max?'Last year Max experienced the world of the in-between. After a fight with Charles and a freak accident, Pierre finds himself in a similar situation stuck between living and dying. Can the Alpha Tauri driver find the strength to return home?
Relationships: Alexander Albon/George Russell, Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc
Series: The Traumas' We Survive [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1985203
Comments: 19
Kudos: 140





	1. The start of the end?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all!  
> So it turns out I'm back despite doing my Masters and having a heavy working load.  
> I really hope you enjoy this story as much as you enjoyed the last one! I hope I don't disappoint. 
> 
> Just a few quick notes,  
> The driver line up is the 2021 one even though the story is set in 2022 (The previous story was set in 2021 with the 2020 grid- I'm not a mind reader despite how much I want to be one)  
> Any time Pierre and Charles talk to each other, assume it's in french. I don't speak the language and I know it's lazy but I would rather write in English then completely destroy a beautiful language.  
> A few trigger warnings: suicide attempt  
> This chapter doesn't mention it but alludes to it so just be warned.

The 2022 season was in full swing and the threat of COVID had more or less disappeared along with the restrictions and the face masks. The championship was open as Mercedes no longer had the advantage. Teams such as Red Bull and Ferrari had caught up and all three were in a battle for the construction championship. Alpha Tauri had improved massively as well and Pierre had even managed to get a few podiums this year much to the delight of his team and his fans. Every race brought new hope and excitement to the Frenchman’s stomach.

Pierre had been feeling nervous and anxious this weekend though; he felt it during FP1 and FP2 and qualifying yesterday. He wasn’t sure why. The Mugello circuit was nothing new now and he could drive it very well, there was even a possibility of a podium here. Of course, there was the possibility that the anxiety wasn’t even race related at all. He looked over at Charles, smiling happily as he locked his car.

Charles’s then arm was wrapped around Pierre’s neck pulling him closer to the Monégasque’s body. A few cameras snapped their picture as they entered the paddock, not that they minded. They announced their relationship to the public a year or so ago after everything with Max. The couple realised life could be cut drastically short and they didn't want to hide anymore. Of course, it meant multiple interviews with nosey journalists and sports programmes asking details about their relationship. The fans loved it though and Pierre appreciated that he had their endorsement. As long as the fans were happy, the FIA could do nothing to stop them from hanging out in each other’s hospitality units.

The Ferrari driver was happily talking about something-Pierre had zoned out long ago. No doubt it was a stupid game he had played with the quartet last night or during the week. Charles had been playing with the gang a lot more recently, even more so than when they all were all stuck in lockdown and F1 had been postponed. It seemed that every moment he had free, Charles spent it at his computer chatting to the gang leaving Pierre to entertain himself and eat alone in the stupidly oversized dining room. It had even gotten to the point where the Frenchman had to bring meals in so the Monégasque would eat; he’d forget to otherwise and his PT would have a field day.

Pierre had known Charles for most of his life and he knew that sometimes the latter was oblivious to other people's feelings. Once he realised, he would dedicate any time he had to make amends and things right though, so it evened out in the end. Maybe the real irk was that Pierre was meant to be the ‘love of his life’ yet Charles was oblivious to how unhappy the Frenchman had been recently. Weren’t couples meant to be in sync with one another? Weren’t they meant to just look at each other and know something was wrong? Maybe the Alpha Tauri driver expected too much? Maybe Pierre was overreacting? Maybe Charles was spending an adequate amount of time with the gang. None of the gang’s other halves had complained but then again George and Alex were a couple, so they were still spending time together and Carlos seemed to be either very understanding about Lando’s dedication to games or he used the time to partake in his own hobbies.

Charles was still talking about one of his games and Pierre hummed in response at the correct moments giving the impression he was listening intensively. They reached their respective hospitality units stopping out Ferrari first as it was closer to the paddock entrance. Once upon a time, Charles would wrap him in a hug, holding him close before pressing his lips softly against Pierre’s before it inevitably got steamy leading to them making out right out the Ferrari centre, in view of everyone to see. The Monégasque wouldn't be embarrassed of course, unlike Pierre who would be blushing a shade similar to his boyfriend's Ferrari shirt before he would get another kiss goodbye and eventually leave towards his own hospitality centre. Today, Charles pressed a quick kiss to this cheek, said a quick goodbye before he ran off towards his driver room to get changed before the brief. Pierre sighed before heading towards his own driver’s room.

* * *

Half an hour later, Pierre found himself standing in a small room, waiting for the brief to start. Various drivers surrounded him, but none were talking to him. It was his own doing really, he wasn’t feeling very sociable instead focusing on where his relationship went wrong. Maybe it wasn’t going wrong at all? Maybe this was normal a year into a relationship? He stood at the edge, watching everyone in their little groups converse. He looked around with a deep and sad sigh when his eyes fell on his boyfriend and the twitch quartet. Charles was laughing about something as was Lando, his arms making gestures obviously about one of the new games they had been playing. George and Alex were having their own conversation but kept looking other at the other two, taking a slight interest in what they had to say. He was definitely not jealous, just annoyed.

He loved that Charles had a little group to talk to and support him during breaks and beyond. He really did. He knew the importance of friendship so would never in his life try to drag Charles away from what he had. Never. It was healthy that they had their own activities swath from each other. It was just hard sometimes being on the sidelines, on the edge, not really having a group of friends to hang out with. Of course, he did have friends here; Antonio, Max, Yuki, Lewis. He just wasn’t integrated into a group like Charles was and sometimes that could feel very lonely. Pierre looked back over at Charles and sighed again. He wouldn’t have minded if it wasn’t F1 friends he played with but instead other friends. Maybe that’s what hurt. Other friends, school friends, Monégasque friends, Pierre would have no connection to. It would then mean no reason to get jealous by the friends who Charles sees very frequently and talks to constantly. The Frenchman was being unfair though as he had been invited to a few streams before. He enjoyed talking to them all and feeling apart of the group but it didn’t help the large part of him which wondered if they invited him because he was Pierre Gasly- friend or Pierre Gasly- Charles’s boyfriend. Plus how many ‘guest stars’ had joined them during streaming session? Countless!

He stared at Charles, eyes knitted with anger when he burst out laughing loudly, his laugh echoing throughout the whole paddock. His favourite laugh. The laugh he did specifically for Pierre when he would accidentally burn their food meaning they would have to order in for dinner. The laugh he did when Pierre would see something Esteban had posted and make snarky comments about his rival. The laugh he did when Pierre would tickle him after making out or sex, just to prove that he wasn't tired enough to help the Frenchman finish some chores. The Alpha Tauri driver eyes flicked over to Lando, who was laughing with him and looked pleased with himself. It took all of his strength to not walk over to the young Brit to wipe that look off his face, explain to him how that laugh was nothing special. He wanted them to know how special he was to Charles, not just someone who was there for him to fuck.

_Shit, maybe I am jealous then_

For his own sanity, he adverted his gaze away and saw Daniel and Max. The couple were basically standing on each other's toes, the Australian had an arm wrapped around his lover tightly pulling him close while the Dutchman had his arms wrapped around his lover's neck. It was all very private here so they didn't have to worry about fans or the media finding out about their relationship just yet. Daniel wanted to take things slow after everything from last year. He didn’t want the media to wiggle there way into his relationship, asking all sorts of private details like they did with him and Charles. Pierre agreed, no one wanted to see Max spiral again- not that there was any risk of that happening, it was merely a precaution.

The Dutchman must have sensed that he was being watched as he took his eyes off Daniel, scanned the room before they fell onto Pierre watching him. The Frenchman blushed at being caught but Max just smiled, untangled himself from his boyfriend and made his way over to Pierre. They greeted with a quick hug before the Red Bull driver stared intensively at him and hmm’d.

‘You ok?’ He asked one hand still placed on Pierre’s upper arm. The tone was nothing more than caring and Pierre struggled to hold back any emotion. It had been a long time since someone asked him that. He shrugged and really hoped that any tears would fall down his face before evidently, his emotions got the better of him as he felt small drops of hot wetness fall down his cheeks. Max quickly hugged him again, trying to cover his face to prevent attention from being drawn to the pair.

‘Let’s go outside for a second.’

The Dutchman grabbed him gently and led him outside. They walked past most of the hospitality centres, Pierre’s heart aching when he went past Ferrari’s and the quick goodbye he received there earlier. The Frenchman looked down and continued to let Max guide him towards the Red Bull hospitality centre. He stopped outside amongst the seating area, a few engineers and workers were sitting chatting. They smiled at both of them as they walked past and sat in a quiet area of the social area.

Once he was sat, Pierre looked over at Max, who was just casually drinking out of his water bottle. There was no pressure to talk from him. He was allowing Pierre to speak in his own time – well Max knew the importance of that didn’t he?

It was nice because the Alpha Tauri driver had no idea how to convey his thoughts into coherent words. What part of his relationship was upsetting him exactly? Charles being less romantic than before? Possibly but he didn't need extravagant declarations, he much preferred soft kisses in the privacy of their bed. Charles and him spending less time together? Maybe but they couldn't be in each other's pockets all the time, could they? That would be expecting too much. Charles preferring to spend time with his friends over Pierre? Bingo. That was it.

‘Do you ever feel like you’re being replaced?’ He finally spoke after a few minutes of silence. Pierre kept staring ahead at the Red Bull hospitality centre, not daring to glance at the probably weird look Max was giving him.

‘I’ll speak to Marko if you want. Put a good word in if you want to stay on for another year or two.’

‘No. Not in racing...do you ever feel second best sometimes in your relationship?’

Pierre did have the courage to look over at Max, who wasn’t giving him a weird look but instead a concerned one. The Dutchman leant forward so his arms were resting on the small table dividing them.

‘What’s Charles done?’

Pierre picked up a paper straw and started to pick it apart. He needed something to distract himself to stop his emotions from spilling over. He couldn’t risk an emotional breakdown before the race, not when the team had put so much work into the car this weekend. He needed to make Franz proud.

‘It’s stupid actually don’t worry about it.’

‘Pierre, it’s not stupid of it’s upsetting you. Is Charles being a really shit boyfriend? I’ll go shout at him if you want...’

Max and Charles may have gotten closer during the events of last year but that did not stop the rivalry between them. Both were happy to call each other out on the shitty things they did just to cause drama or because they were both stubborn.

'No no... don't shout at Charles, please. It is him but please don't shout at him. Just keep it between us. I don’t want the drama and the questions.’

He could tell Max wasn’t happy with his plea but nodded none the less. He understood, there was nothing worse than having the media follow your every move. The Dutchman was going to make a further comment before they were both interrupted.

‘Maxy! Maxy-boo!’ Daniels voiced echoed throughout the motorhomes.

'Oh my god, he's so embarrassing.' Max replied cheeks blushed, 'I'm going to kill him.'

‘It cute.’ Pierre commented smiling. It really was. Charles never did something like that to Pierre- then again it was never their style. Instead, they both preferred to silently seek each other out, surprising each other by running up behind the other and eloping them in a tight hug from behind.

‘Maxy!’ The Australian came into view and Pierre could see the spark of happiness in his eyes when he eventually found his boyfriend sitting and talking with Pierre. 'Ah, there you are! Come on, Briefings about to start.’

Pierre watched with some jealousy as Daniel wrapped his arms around Max’s neck and started kissing his shoulders and neck. The Dutchman quickly shook him off realising that it might be a sore spot for the Frenchman. He didn’t miss the quick exchange of Daniel looking at his boyfriend questionably before Max shook his head and mouthed ‘later’ at him.

‘Come on. They really will kill us if we’re late.’ The Australian insisted pulling Max off the chair and waiting for Pierre to walk with them. The latter smiled and put his relationship to one side as for now, it was time to focus on the race.

* * *

He jumped off the car, cheering from the crowds around him. Lewis came over from his spot in first and man hugged him while congratulating him. He did it again! He’d gotten another podium. Max crashed out with one of the Haas and George in the Merc got a puncture landing him in P6. Even though they were meant to be competitive, Ferrari had yet again found themselves driving a tractor today and weren’t as competitive as they could have been. That all didn’t matter. His car worked perfectly today and through pure skill alone he had got P2. Lewis released him from his hug, so the Frenchman jumped over to his engineers and hugged them tightly trying to transfer his gratefulness. There was no doubt they would be celebrating heavily tonight.

Pierre then scanned parc ferme and his smile slide away as he watched Charles wrap his arms around Lando, who had come P3, and was giving him a hug with George and Alex standing close by. Jealousy mixed with hurt ran through his veins evaporating all of his joy from moments ago. Of course, Charles had every right to congratulate his friend, but Pierre was his boyfriend- was that not a priority? Daniel once ran down from p12 to Max who had been P1, ignoring Lewis, Lando, and his other close friends just so he could hug his boyfriend. No to mention, Pierre had come 2nd while Lando had come 3rd. Wasn’t that worth priority also? He looked over again as the four of them fell into casual chatter, laughing away. None of them looked like they were about to remove themselves from each other’s company any time soon, so the Frenchman darted off toward the weighing zone, passing through annoyed as he did so. On the way, he literally bumped into his own teammate, who was making his way back from the weighing zone.

‘Congrats.’ Yuki exclaimed the minute he saw Pierre, crashing their bodies together in a tight excitable hug.

‘Thanks.’ Somehow, he managed to put a shaky smile on his face, but the driver saw straight through him when he eventually let Pierre go.

‘Are you ok?’

Pierre nodded placing a false smile on his face. Luckily, Yuki didn't know him well enough to see straight through it. The two parted and Pierre headed towards the cool-down room, not that he particularly wanted to be there anymore. Seeing Lando might just make him madder- not that it was the Brit’s fault but just seeing him would bring back all the annoyance and hurt that his relationship was presently bringing.

He then bumped into Seb, still unnaturally dressed in green after all these years, on the way. He held a hand for Pierre to grab, which he happily accepted. It felt like his first win all over again; legendary drivers coming over to congratulate him- Pierre Gasly, a midfield driver. Except this time, his joy and shock had been replaced with bitterness and annoyance.

‘Congrats Pierre. Twelve podiums now. You’re definitely on the way to being a world champion.’

The words should have given him encouragement and excitement instead Pierre just felt sad and alone. What was the point of heading towards a championship if he had no one to share it with? Would Charles still be with him in a few years when the possibility of a championship was in reach? Probably not, not it this year was anything to go by.

He wasn’t sure what exactly happened next but found himself, rather embarrassingly, broken down in loud sobs right in front of Seb. Immediately, he felt a pair of strong arms wrap around him, holding him tightly and keeping him upright.

‘Hey there.’ The Aston Martin driver comforted, ‘Shush it’s alright. It’s alright.’

Pierre continued to sob into the four-times world champion shoulder. He hoped he wouldn't get into trouble with the stewards about being late to the cool-down room. No doubt he was already delaying the podium celebration.

‘Should I get Charles?’ Seb asked still trying to help the Frenchman.

Pierre shook his head and muffled a reply into his hero’s shoulder, ‘Charles doesn’t care.’

He removed himself from the awkward hug and tried to wipe his eyes dry causing him to miss Seb puzzled expression.

‘Of course, Charles cares. He's your boyfriend, isn’t he?’

Pierre shook his shoulders and while looking down at his shoes, ‘I guess....’

‘You guess? Relationships aren’t something you guess in.

‘He’s been...busy recently.’

‘Busy? I’m sure he’s never too busy for you.’

‘He didn’t even congratulate me at the end of the race!’

Pierre started sobbing again, hands in his face. He felt as if he could collapse to the ground at that moment. He wished the ground would swallow him up. The Alpha Tauri driver heard footsteps approach from behind him. It was definitely the stewards now, telling him to move along, the crowd were waiting for the podium.

‘Give us five minutes.’ The German pleaded, ‘Get someone to sing a song or something.’

Evidently, no one dared to question Sebastian’s word and he heard the footsteps walk away. He rubbed his face, wiping away the tears yet again before looking up and taking a deep breath.

‘This is an extreme reaction just for not being congratulated on the podium.’ Seb commented softly. Pierre nodded. Unfortunately, he couldn't explain it fully right now, it barely managed to explain it Max and even that wasn't the full story. His thoughts were everywhere and none were coherent. He thought one thing then realised it was something else. Maybe he should start simple like he tried to earlier with Max.

‘I just feel second best all the time. He’s always playing those stupid computer games with that stupid gang.’

He didn’t mean it. He knew that the gang wasn’t stupid- It just felt like it currently.

‘Oh Pierre, I’m sure it’s just a lack of communication between you two. I’m sure that just because you’re not a part of the twitch group, doesn't mean Charles values you less. You're his boyfriend, the love of his life. Anyway, that group has been around for ages now.'

‘I know that what makes it stupid. I shouldn't be upset about this, but I am, and I don't know why. Why is this affecting me so much? Charles has every right to do what he likes. It's…I don't know…why aren't I ever good enough?'

The Aston Martin driver watched as Pierre burst into tears again.

‘What happened?’

It was Max and he sounded concerned, but he couldn’t care less at that moment. It was as if everything he had been holding back flooding out at an uncontrollable rate and he couldn’t stop it. He sobbed louder and was in two minds about whether to run and never return or just stay where no cameras were on him. His legs were about to give out and he was certain he was about to fall to the ground. Well, he'd already embarrassed himself heavily, there wasn't much else he could do to make it worse.

‘Oh mate come here.’

He was still sobbing quietly as Max wrapped him into a hug, taking all of Pierre’s body weight. He was wrong, it could get more embarrassing. Actually, the correct word was mortifying. Max doesn’t do hugs yet here he was giving Pierre his second one of the day. The Frenchman’s body was still shaking and part of he really hoped Charles was around to notice and would run over to comfort him. However, that didn’t seem to be the case as Max held him tighter and even cushioned his face in between Pierre’s shoulder and neck.

‘I’ll say something to him if you don’t.’ The Dutchman offered and he rubbed his back.

‘No Max, you’ll shout something at him, and we don’t want that. Pierre doesn’t want the drama or the attention on his life.’ Seb replied trying to defuse the situation.

‘I won’t scream at him in the middle of the paddock obviously. I’ll corner him in his motorhome obviously.’

‘Not what I meant Max.’

His sobs started to die down and slowly Pierre escaped Max’s grip. He needed to pull himself together. The media would pick up on any upset or uneasiness when he stood on the podium.

‘It’s fine honestly. I’ll just sulk at home tomorrow and he can ask what’s wrong then.’

‘If he notices.’

The Alpha Tauri driver wasn’t sure if he was meant to hear Max’s small comment but he couldn’t help but agree. Would Charles even notice a difference in his behaviour? Would he even realise Pierre is mad at him?’

‘Right. Dry those eyes. Podium now before the FIA give you a penalty or something.’

* * *

After the podium ceremony, where Pierre could still not get over all the cheers and roars from the fans, did the media presence and the photo’s that the Alpha Tauri Instagram account would no doubt post later, that he eventually had time to think again. He had calmed down, but he still couldn’t shake the feeling of abandonment and unwantedness from his boyfriend. He mentally noted to talk about it to Charles later.

However that all changed…very quickly.

It was during packing that he listened to the interview casually playing on the screen in his driver room. Charles was with sky sports being catapulted with questions. He wasn't paying much attention to it as his boyfriend would no doubt fill him in later about the stupid questions asked. However, one section of the interview did capture his attention.

‘Any plans during the week? You’ve got a week off till the next race.’

‘I don’t know.’ Charles rubbing his neck as he did so, something he did often when he was unsure of something, ‘Probably video games, do some streams you know.’

‘With the twitch quartet?’

‘Probably yeah. We’ll have to organise something though.’

All the emotions from earlier suddenly reappeared. Taking a deep breath, Pierre angrily threw a piece of clothing into his bag and zipped it up. Evidently spending time with his boyfriend wasn’t on Charles’s agenda. The real insult came with the knowledge that the Monégasque was meant to be staying with Pierre in Milan so would be using his sim and gaming PC to play with his stupid quartet.

Slamming his driver's room shut, he walked through the hospitality centres mostly deserted now and made him his way towards the exit when he heard someone shout his name.

‘Pierre!’

The Frenchman turned around and saw Charles running and grinning towards him. Clearly, his interview had finished, ‘Feels like I haven’t seen you in forever mon Coeur.’

The statement sent annoyance rushing through the Frenchman veins and Pierre just about held back a snarky comment towards his boyfriend. Mon Coeur? Really? Charles seemed none the wiser and stepped forward to embrace him in a hug but Pierre stood back just out of reach causing the grin to fall from the Ferrari drivers face and be replaced with one containing a mix of confusion and hurt.

'You ok Calamar?' Charles asked concerned, his arm reached out to hold onto his gently. Pierre stepped back further, 'What's wrong?'

The question made him feel angrier somehow. He knew it was unfair for Charles not to know something was wrong if Pierre hadn’t told him so but surely he must know that the Alpha Tauri driver would be annoyed that he didn’t congratulate him?

'The race finished three hours ago.' He stated bluntly. He crossed his arms and glared at his boyfriend.

‘I know.’ He could tell that Charles was still very confused about everything and very taken back by Pierre’s attitude towards him. Normally, the latter was very chill and calm when it came to what his boyfriend did.

‘So why has it taken you till now to congratulate your boyfriend on his podium?’

‘I didn’t realise you were noting who congratulated you.’ Charles replied bluntly, tensing up.

Normally, it was at this moment where Pierre would see a fight was brewing and would choose to defuse the situation by saying he was over-reacting and that he was on an emotional high form the race. Charles would calm down, forgive him as if Pierre had something to be sorry for and hug him. This time. This time Pierre was not backing down.

'Well, it's kind of hard to miss when your own boyfriend doesn't congratulate you know?'

‘You could have come over and spoken to me about it.’

‘When I am meant to talk to you Charles? When? You’re never there for me to talk to alone! I don’t you would want your little friends to know how shit a boyfriend you are being.’

It was as if the Gods wanted to help Pierre and prove his point as not a second later Lando came running over, still excited over his podium. He skidded between Charles and Pierre, smiling at the latter before turning his attention to the Monégasque.

‘Charles! George said most of the Williams workers are busy packing up so we can go and play some virtual racing in their hospitality centre.’

Pierre rolled his eyes and Charles looked at his friend before looking back over at his boyfriend, whose arms were crossed, and expression was far from impressed. They had normally been good at reading each other's minds recently however that didn't seem to be the case. Pierre swore to God that if Charles left now, he would do something stupid that he would no doubt regret tomorrow or later on in his life.

‘In a minute Lando, I’m just...’

Oh! Maybe Charles did still possess the skills to read his boyfriends' mind about not leaving to play stupid games with his boyfriends.

‘Ok…but they’ve updated it and they’ve added some super cool features. Carlos said he’ll come and join us.’ Lando replied excited not giving Pierre a second glance.

_Great, so no invite for me_

Pierre knew that Charles knew he was getting pissed with each passing second as the Monégasque’s mouth mimicked that of a goldfish before turning to his friend and begging for a couple of minutes alone. The McLaren driver, however, was adamant that Charles come now for start-up purposes or something leaving Charles stuttering some stupid excuses and promising he would be along shortly. Why he couldn't tell Lando outright why he couldn't come now was beyond the Frenchman. He was sure if the situation was the other way round, Charles would have no issue shutting Pierre down to talk to his friend.

‘Lando, I’ll be there soon. I just…’

'Honestly, Charles, setting the game is part of _the_ experience! Apparently, they've changed it sooo much' Lando exclaimed jumping like an excited puppy, 'Please Charles…it's just the start up-'

‘For god sake Lando.’ Pierre shouted his voice raised scaring both his boyfriend and the Brit, ‘Me and Charles are in the middle of something.’

He saw Lando’s face drop into a familiar expression that he was too angry about to make right now. The McLaren driver took a step back looking at Charles, who was too busy staring at his boyfriend, shocked about the outburst. A thick and heavy tension lay between the two lovers and if Pierre was feeling kinder, he would have told Lando to leave before everything got awkward for him. Instead, the Frenchman couldn’t care whether he was witness to the fall out that was about to come.

‘Don’t shout at him.’ Charles exclaimed angrily at his boyfriend. Pierre was somewhat glad his boyfriend had the decency to speak French so at least Lando would be oblivious to what they were arguing about, ‘It’s not his fault you’re in a bad mood today.’

‘I’m not in a bad mood. I’m just fed up with you!’

‘Fed up? Well isn’t that lovely? What the hell is wrong with you?’

‘Wrong with me? Me? I’m not the one who’s been ignoring my other half for computer games!’

‘Is this because I’ve been spending time with my friends?

‘There’s a difference between spending time with your friends and spending every single minute of your existence with them! I'm not some attention-seeking boyfriend Charles. I don't mind you spending time with your friends. What I do mind is when you leave me sitting alone like some thrown away toy.’

‘Thrown away toy! What the fuck? How the fuck are you some thrown away toy? We’re only iRacing Pierre, it’s not like we’re doing something you haven’t done before!’ Charles interrupted clearly angry and confused with his boyfriend.

_Well if he’d let me explain instead of interrupting me_

‘Exactly! We do it every day! Why you need to do it in your breaks as well! Also, it’s not like I can’t race Charles, I’m just as capable as all of you.’

‘Are you? We already know you can’t handle driving a top car.’

The Monégasque’s eyes widened as he realised what he said. Pierre stepped back shocked that his boyfriend, the love of his life, his best friend could ever say something that hurtful to him.

‘Pierre.’ Charles took a step forward and attempted to reach out to him but the Alpha Tauri just took another space back and hoped the Ferrari driver would step forward again. If they kept this up, the couple would be walking out of the paddock soon and into the pathway of the media. ‘Pierre I didn’t-’

The words sunk in deeper. Some twisted part of Pierre was glad that he had his breakdown earlier because now there were no tears left to cry. He was also done with being the kind Pierre everyone knew. He was done with being walked over by his boyfriend and his stupid twitch gang. Lando was standing to the side, still unaware of the destruction that he was witnessing. Frankly, Pierre was still unsure as to why the McLaren driver was even here. Maybe he would run back and tell Alex and George what he witnessed? Well, he could witness this.

‘You know what? Just go.’ Pierre stated angrily.

Charles knew how bad the demotion hit him. Charles knew how much of a mess the Frenchman was. Charles knew the demotion wasn’t his fault- Red Bull didn’t give him the right tools- that what he told him at the time anyway. To throw that back in his face, Pierre took a deep breath before he said something that he would regret. Instead, he went for the obvious, 'Evidently, your quartet and your reputation amongst them is more important than our relationship.'

‘Pierre, I’m really-’

'I'm going back to the hotel room.' He stated, sighing while looking at the ground. He still felt too betrayed to look Charles in the eye, ‘I’ll see you tomorrow Charles.’

‘Tomorrow?’ The Monégasque asked surprised. Pierre shrugged, they meant to be sharing a room but frankly, Pierre needed time to calm down and think about everything that had happened today.

'Yes, tomorrow preferably at the check-out time. I'm sure one of the gang will happily let you sleep in their room for tonight.’

He stormed away before Charles could even reply. God knows what Lando now thought of him.

* * *

Luckily Alpha Tauri were very happy to lend him someone that would drive him back to his hotel seeing as Charles drove them both in this morning. Clutching his trophy tight, he followed his driver to one of the Alpha Tauri cars, looking at the ground as he did so. A large stupid part of him hoped that Charles was running after him, calling his name, begging him to stop so they can talk it out like he wanted to earlier. Once he arrived at the car, he loitered outside for a minute longer waiting. There was no Charles. A small tear escaped as he opened the coming car door, quickly gazing at the stupid Ferrari he came in this morning and climbed in scrolling through Spotify trying to find the right song to put on. Charles would no doubt nosey at what he was listening to so this way the Monégasque would know he was still heavily pissed off. Good. A night apart might do them good. He closed his eyes and zoned out from the outside world as the car departed from the circuit.

Pierre opened his eyes a little later, fed up being in his own head. He grabbed his phone from beside him and checked for notifications. Max had sent him a message, along with Alex- he guessed Lando told him what happened so no doubt the whole paddock was aware of his relationship's issues. None from Charles. Swiping the notifications away, he was sat looking at the photo on his lock screen. Even that was mocking him. It was a photo of him and Charles happy and in love on one of their dates. He tried not to cry as the memories came back. He’d never been happier that day. The Frenchman tried to pinpoint where exactly his relationship started to deteriorate.

He suddenly felt very thirsty, Pierre looked down at the seat next to him where he placed his water bottle earlier. Instead, he found the seat empty. The Frenchman looked around confused until he spotted the bottle under the seat diagonally from him. Sighing, he undid his seat belt and leant across the empty seats, his arm reaching under the passenger seat until he grabbed the bottle. He pulled it out and grabbed it, his body still half leant across the seats.

‘Fuck.’

He looked up just in time to see his drivers scared expression as the car broke suddenly but not quick enough to avoid something colliding with it.


	2. Looking back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the crash, Pierre finds himself in a white room with only another man for company. Caught in the world of the in-between, Pierre reflects on his relationship with Charles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again everyone!  
> Thank you for all the positive comments and kudos on the previous chapter! I'm really glad you loved it.  
> Just a shout out to Laena, who helped motivate me to write this chapter and translated the two french words used in this story.  
> Hope you enjoy it!

Darkness.

That’s all he saw.

The ever-lasting darkness.

Not only that- everything hurt.

Sharp pain rushed through his body.

He knew he was still in the car- he could feel the cold leather against his back.

He tried to sit up, but his body protested it causing him to scream out in pain. His head was throbbing, and the Frenchman was sure there was blood trickling down his face. He kept his eyes shut, too scared to see the damage around him. If he opened his eyes, then it would all be real. His mind had blacked out during it, the chronologically of his memories being from the car breaking to him lying here in pain.

‘Pierre? Can you hear us? You’ve been in a car accident.’

The voice was fuzzy, and Pierre tried to open his eyes, but he only managed to squint them open and even then it everything seemed to be too bright. He had no idea if his driver was ok or if the people in the other car were. He didn’t know anything. He could barely remember what his own name was.

‘We’re worried about your head Pierre. You seemed to have hit it hard on impact Pierre.’

Why are insisting on saying his name? Hit his head on impact? That generally wasn't a good thing to happen. Christ, was he dying? Was this going to be his final moments on earth? Trapped in the car, unable to move?

‘We’re going to try and cut you out. We’re waiting for the fire crew.’

He nodded or at least tried to. His chest was becoming heavier and heavier and he could feel himself zoning out of his surroundings. It was as if he was floating. It was if he was as if he was falling deeper and deeper into the darkness and he couldn’t escape. The voices were becoming fainter and he felt himself lose all sense of his surroundings.

When he next opened his eyes, it was all a blur. The Alpha Tauri driver had no idea how long he had been lost in the darkness, but one thing was for certain, he was out of the car. The main tell was that he recognised the standard hospital lighting as he was wheeled through the corridors. At least, he hoped he was being wheeled through overwise there was seriously something wrong with his vision. That would definitely be the end of his racing career if the injuries he'd already sustained didn't cause that already. The oxygen mask placed on his face wasn't the best indication that he was in a stable condition plus his chest and head ached to an unbearable amount not to mention the rest of his body.

Two people were standing on either side of him, gripping the sidebar of the bed. One was dressed in green and the other wearing navy- a doctor possible. He really hoped so. Pierre couldn't make out the full conversation but did pick up snippets. It was like having a bad radio signal during a race. 

‘We’re looking at a head injury, flail chest and possible pneumothorax or cardiac tamponade.’ Someone from around him stated loudly.

Pierre had no idea what the latter three injuries were.

The blurry lights stopped and became static. Pierre looked up at the ceiling, a bright light shining directly into his face. Now he really did hope that this wasn’t his last moments on Earth. He had so much more to give in both F1 and his life. He had so much more to say and he needed to say goodbye, goodbye to his family, his friends, his lover. Charles. Oh, Charles. He couldn't go now. He couldn't die after they had a row. The Monégasque would never forgive himself. Charles would never know that Pierre loved him dearly and regretted shouting at him. He had to tell him. He couldn’t leave without making amends.

‘Charles.’ He mumbled, at least he hoped he did, ‘I want Charles.’

* * *

_A broken piece of the mirror was loitering above his wrist, the sharp edge just centimetres away from his skin. The Frenchman took a deep breath just as the bathroom door banged open. Charles placed his phone in hand waiting to show Pierre something. Pierre watched as the smile from the Monégasque face slowly disappeared and his eyes widened in shock mirroring his own. The phone dropped from his hand and clattered on the tiled floor._

_'What the hell is wrong with you?' Pierre winced as Charles shouted voice echoing through the apartment. Somehow his voice sounded louder than before. He watched as the Monégasque stormed over and knocked the piece of the mirror out of his hand causing it to smash onto a million pieces on to the floor. ‘What the fuck!’_

_The pair stood in silence looking at each other. The only thing that echoed through the bathroom was the sound of two people breathing: one erratically and one rather normally. Surprisingly, it was Charles who was the erratic one. It wasn’t surprising to Pierre; Charles had always felt things deeply and no doubt this had been a shock to him._

_‘You need to take a deep breath and calm down.’ Pierre responded stupidly calm considering the circumstances._

_‘Calm down? Are you joking? My best friend is trying to end his life!’_

_‘I wasn’t ending my life! I was just causing a small cut, letting the blood run out. It relaxing.’_

_'Oh, so it's only self-harm then? Well, that's all fine then!' Charles exclaimed. The Monégasque’s eyes were still widened with shock and Pierre knew that his heart would be racing fast still, ‘What the fuck Pierre! And relaxing?’_

_Pierre shrugged._

_‘What the hell?’ Charles asked again, his hands covering his face. He was breathing rather fast still and the Alpha Tauri was worried his friend was about to work himself into a panic attack soon. Luckily, the Ferrari driver seemed to take a deep breath, pulling himself together. He looked straight at Pierre, looked straight at his eyes and into his soul, ‘Why?’_

_It was a simple question, yet the answer was anything but simple._

_‘I don’t know Charles. Why not? Let’s start with the obvious.’ Pierre exclaimed back borderline hysteric, ‘My career is fucked. Antonine is gone! My life is ruined. Everything I worked for! Gone. No one is going to take me seriously, now are they? I mean, who the hell is shit enough that they get thrown from the top team after 12 races? Me obviously. All I want to do is scream and shout about how I’m never good enough, but I can’t so…’_

_He collapsed onto the floor in tears, burying his face in his legs._

_‘You could have come to me.’ Charles muttered softly sliding down the wall, so he was sitting next to Pierre. He kept a suitable distance away from him and the Frenchman hoped it was not to overcrowd him and not because he was ashamed to call Pierre his friend, ‘You could have screamed at me, shouted at me.’_

_‘I know but you’re doing amazing in Ferrari, I didn’t… I couldn’t put you off your stride. I didn’t think you would understand.’_

_Charles nodded a small tear running down his face which he quickly wiped away. The Monégasque tucked his legs in close to his body and rested his chin on them. He looked over at Pierre once again, ready to interrogate, to see how damaged his friend was._

_‘When?’ He asked his voice breaking slightly, ‘When did it start?’_

_‘_ _I think it was about three days after the news. I just exploded. Started throwing shit across my room into walls, furniture whatever was there. I was so angry at myself and at Red Bull and kind of at you. I threw something, I can’t remember what, at my mirror and it smashed onto my floor. I just remember bursting into tears and kneeling down to pick it up when one of the shards caught me. It was just my finger, but I saw the blood leaking out and I felt so much calmer. It was as if all the anger, all the disappoint, all the failure was leaving out of my body. It’s messed up but I felt 100 times better.’_

_Charles nodded slowly indicating he was listening and didn't want to interrupt Pierre during his explanation. His friend looked a mess, but Pierre bet he didn't look much better. Every instinct in his body told him to stop talking because Charles would run. He wouldn't understand. He would cut ties with Pierre forever and he couldn't allow that. Instead, he ignored his instincts for once. He owed Charles an explanation._

_'I picked up a piece and carried it around with me everywhere. Every time a situation would get to much, I would run to the nearest bathroom and cut myself. I would let the cut heal before I did it again and I always cleaned it. I don't know why it seems stupid, doesn't it? Purposely cutting yourself then cleaning it up to make sure you don't die. I'm not that much of an idiot Charles, I'm not allowing it to become infected.'_

_‘I don’t know. Self-harm is a pretty stupid thing to do.’_

_The Frenchman took and sharp angry breath. This is why he wanted to keep it a secret. The Frenchman didn’t want the condescending comments. He didn’t want the remarks about how stupid he was being. He knew he was being stupid, but he needed an out._

_‘I knew you wouldn’t understand.’ Pierre exclaimed standing up. He then stormed out of the bathroom, picked up his jacket by the doorway and slammed the door shut._

* * *

_‘We already know you can’t handle driving a top car’_

The comment echoed through his head.

Pierre awoke, eyes blinking as he tried to focus. Charles’s voice had echoed into the distance. Rubbing his eyes, the Frenchman glanced around the room cautiously as his memory slowly came back to him. The crash, the race, the argument, everything. Fear ran through him. Had he regained consciousness? Were his injuries not that severe then? Why the hell was in lying on the floor? Worry mixed with confusion entered Pierre’s heart as he quickly realised that didn’t feel any pain. He felt fine. He felt normal. He felt good.

‘Don’t I recognise you from somewhere?’

The voice made Pierre jump slightly and if had the strength, he would have scrambled to his feet already. Instead, he continued laying down on the floor, letting the cold tiles cool his body. A man came into his vision and the Frenchman titled his head slightly trying to get a better look at him. He looked rough; grey long messy beard checked shirt, older than Pierre.

The Frenchman slowly bent one leg, so his knee was pointing to the ceiling. He did the same motion with the other one. Pierre next moved his arms, so his shoulders were lifted off the ground as well as some of the top of his back. He used the strength in his forearms to lift himself off the ground and stand shakily up so he was facing the man standing beside him.

‘Sorry, where am I?’

Pierre gulped hard scared of the answer. If his memory served him right, then the prognosis wasn’t looking great.

‘This my friend, is the world of the in-between.’

‘Right. Ok.’

_What the fuck does that mean?_

Slowly he stood up, wobbling slightly, and looked around in more detail. Doors littered the walls, all identical and all shut. Was this some kind of test? Did you have open the right door then you’ll be transported back to the land of the living? Wrong door and it was death? Was he fundamentally screwed right now?

‘You’re one of Max’s friends, aren’t you?’

The old man scared Pierre slightly, especially with his rough and harsh voice.

‘You know Max?’

‘Dutch right? Racing driver? Kinda pissed off all the time? Yeah, he came here a while ago.’

Pierre had no idea if that was reassuring or not. Well, I guess it meant he could leave then? Max evidently did.

‘Really? He never said.’

‘He doesn’t remember. You never remember visiting here.’

_Again, what the fuck!_

‘When?’ Pierre asked voice breaking much to his embarrassment, ‘When did he come here?’

‘When he... you know...was dying.’

_When he was dying- great!_

‘This is place is purely for people on the brink of death or in a coma.’ The man stated clarifying everything to which Pierre nodded.

_Neither one of those sound particularly good_

‘You wouldn’t happen to know which one I am?’

The elder man tilted his head and looked at Pierre as if the Frenchman was some puzzle he was mentally trying to work out.

'Well, what happened to you? Normally there is some form of imprint like when your friend Max came his wrists were covered in blood, but you look clean even if you do look like someone’s pulled you through a hedge.’

‘I was in a car accident.’

‘A serious one?’

‘I guess if Max was here when he… then yeah it must have been. They mentioned some injuries and I have no clue what they were but my whole body was aching. It was like it was on fire.’

The elder man nodded again still observing Pierre. It was like being back at F1 when Marko was there, watching your every move on the track. He looked around again and now noticed where he was similar to that of a hospital. Guess it was appropriate considering the nature of his injuries and everyone else who visited. One strange thing was that he could see people walking around but they looked faint as if they weren’t properly here either. Pierre glanced down at himself, but he looked opaque as it were. It looked fully here. Maybe those people weren’t in the same position as Pierre, maybe they were ghosts. Did that mean?

‘Are people who are dead here? Is this it after death as well?’

‘No why?’

Pierre looked down and sighed deeply. He knew that answer wouldn’t be what he wanted. He really needed a familiar and friendly face right now.

‘I lost someone a while ago. I was wondering if he was here…I could really use his advice about this.’

‘Advice about what?’

_‘We know you’re not cut out for a top car.’_

‘Just a comment someone he knew made.’

The elder man raised his left eyebrow and gave Pierre a long hard stare which quite frankly freaked him out. Why was this random man obsessed with staring at Pierre? He was nothing special to look at but then again, it must be rather lonely being here by yourself. The man must have been around for a long time if he met Max. He probably just wanted some gossip- that or he really was interested in Pierre’s failing relationship.

‘Had an argument with my boyfriend, he was the one who made the comment.’ Pierre explained arms crossed anxiously while staring down at the floor. He heard the other man scoff. It was a natural response really.

‘Your boyfriend is the guy who was crying against you when you were waiting for news about Max? The one who found Max?’

Pierre looked over at the man suspiciously. How the hell did he know so much?

‘Yeah, that him. Charles.’

‘What did he say?’

‘It’s complicated. He said something hurtful and I just… I don’t know…’

‘Didn’t expect it from him.’

‘Yeah. Yeah anyone but him. It was a comment about a rough time in my life and he was there when it was happening. He knew how bad it was.’

Pierre looked down at the floor again. His trainers looked ruined which surprised him. He didn't remember them being that dirty this morning. The pristine white had faded and been covered and smeared with dirt. The Frenchman remembered the elder man's comment of imprints of the accident and quickly realised that his trainers must have also suffered during the crash.

‘I’m sure that- despite what he said- he does love you.’

Pierre shrugged. He couldn't deny it. That's what hurt. He missed the Charles that would snuggle up like a cat on Pierre's lap when he was bored or just wanted to be close to his boyfriend. He missed the Charles that would take any and all opportunities to kiss him even if it was highly inappropriate at the time. He missed the Charles that showed Pierre that he cared.

'Yeah, I guess.'

The old man removed himself from the wall he had been leaning against and headed towards the doors along the wall. He paced back and forth a few times before standing in front of one of the doors. He grabbed onto a door handle and yanked the door open.

‘What’s in there?

‘The past.’

Pierre chuckled slightly at the madness of the situation then crossed his arms.

‘I know my past. I doubt there is anything useful in there that can help me change my mind.’

'Maybe but sometimes it helps to see things from a third-person perspective.'

_What the fuck does that mean!_

The elder man chuckled as he opened the door and stepped on through. Despite standing right in front of it, Pierre could not see what was on the other side nor could he see his new companion. It was like some sort of perception filter. The Frenchman bit his lip nervously and took a small step forward. Realising he had nothing to lose- aside from his life but he was losing that anyway, Pierre took a further step forward and cautiously following the older man.

* * *

Pierre couldn’t remember shutting his eyes as he entered through but upon arriving, he found himself opening them. Taking a deep breath, he looked around trying to figure out which past memory he had literally walked into it. The elder man was standing next to him looking around and seemed unimpressed with his surroundings- which was rude considering Pierre found himself in his own home.

The Alpha Tauri driver scanned the room and found himself in his gym. He then located 2021 Pierre and tried to get over the weirdness of seeing his younger self. It really didn't help that he was a sweaty mess, wearing the bright green Alpha Tauri fitness merch which Pierre was no longer to fond of after Lando compared him to something called a calippo ice lolly. Despite his current views on lime green, Pierre still loved the outfit because it was that outfit that reminded him of this memory. His smile did falter slightly as he was reminded of his current predicament but quickly returned.

‘Do you all have to work out this hard?’ The older man asked while watching Pierre cycle vigorously. He had just been casually doing workouts during one of the short breaks in the summer back at his Milan residence.

‘Yeah, we have to keep out bodies in shape.’

The man simply hummed in response which Pierre wasn’t sure how to take. Did he admire Pierre’s dedication to his job or simply think it was no worth it?

The doorbell went suddenly, ripping the Frenchman from his thoughts, and Pierre smiled as he watched himself jump off the bike and make his way slowly to his front door, excitement bubbling in his stomach about the events that were about to unfold. It was like one of those dreams where you knew exactly what was about to happen.

‘Hey.’ His younger shelf greeted smiling over at Charles briefly as he opened the door wider inviting his friend in. Present Pierre watched with a smirk as the Monégasque carefully placed his car keys in the side bowl exactly the same as he did in 2022. He now noticed how Charles was actually wearing Pierre's favourite outfit; tight black jeans (not as tight as Max's but they did the job) and a white Armani t-shirt with an eagle logo on the front which was tight against Charles's frame.

‘Hey.’

It was weird seeing everything from a third-person perspective. The elder man was right about that. He could see how nervous Charles was. The Monégasque was biting his lower lip and his hand was rubbing his right arm slowly. It was cute. He couldn’t remember the last time Charles looked so openly nervous over something. Pierre chuckled at his younger self oblivious to Charles awkwardness as they headed into the kitchen, the former instantly heading towards his coffee machine. He barely used it himself, but Charles was obsessed with it. He claimed that it made amazing coffee and Pierre was mad to be using it at least three times a day. The Frenchman often joked that Charles was more interested in seeing his coffee machine rather than Pierre himself whenever he came to Milan.

‘Coffee?’

Charles was still looking anxious and Pierre found it endearing. He wished that he could see this side of the Ferrari driver more often instead of his confident self. It would highlight that he was still nervous about pleasing Pierre and trying to impress him instead of being blasé over everything giving the impression he no longer cared.

‘Umm yeah sure.’

Young Pierre smiled as he started his coffee machine, grabbing the coffee out of the cupboard next to him then swiftly heading towards the fridge to grab the milk. Normally, Charles would be talking his ear off about something; clothes, Ferrari, gossip but instead he was quiet. Pierre now realised the Monégasque was simply trying to arrange his thoughts. He really didn’t want to mess up what he was about to say. It made the Frenchman miss this stage of their relationship.

‘Pierre…’

‘Hmm.’

Present Pierre watched Charles stood awkwardly in the doorway, still rubbing up and down his arm slowly and looking at the floor. The Ferrari driver took a deep breath and looked towards the Alpha Tauri driver.

‘You’re pretty special to me.’

He grinned, smiling down at his feet bashful. Although the moment had already happened, it still made him sheepish; most likely because he had memorised this moment. He knew the conversation that was about to happen as if he had learnt it back in primary school. It was a conversation that played through his head at night and if he was lucky enough during his dreams.

Younger Pierre turned around laughing as he passed Charles his coffee and grabbed a water for himself. He then proceeded to jump onto his kitchen counter and the Monégasque stood even more awkwardly by the door holding a cup of coffee. From his position, Pierre could see the Ferrari driver quickly checking his younger self out. His eyes gazing over his muscles, lips rubbing together slightly. Christ, Pierre really was oblivious that day. Also, how long had Charles been checking him out prior to this conversation?

‘You drove for 5 hours or so just to tell me I’m special to you?’

He remembered how odd he found Charles saying that. How it was the most random thing that the Ferrari driver had ever told him. He didn’t want to indulge in his own ego but a friendship like his and Charles was special by nature, especially if you consider their careers at F1. Some friendships crash and burn; case and point Nico and Lewis.

‘No well yeah but you are special.’

'I would hope so, we've been friends for years, Sharl.’

Current Pierre smiled knowingly again and looked at Charles, who seemed taken back from the comment.

‘Yeah but it’s not just that. You would still be special if we weren’t best friends.’

‘Ok...thanks I think?’

Christ, why was he so oblivious?

'But you are, you're so special and talented and hard-working.'

‘Charles are you ok?’

Younger Pierre had adverted his attention from his water bottle to Charles, who was still awkwardly standing holding his cup of coffee. Pierre now realised that Charles was indeed having an internal panic. Clearly, the Monégasque had thought he had messed this up and was trying to find a way to explain himself better.

‘No…I mean yes… I mean…’

Present Pierre smirked and let out an alone chuckle as he watched Charles place his coffee down on the table, pace over to where Pierre was sat swinging his legs on the counter then literally plant his lips on Frenchman’s. He watched as his younger self wrapped his arms around the Ferrari drivers’ neck and the latter wrapped his arms around his waist. He was thankful there wasn’t a cupboard behind his head as Pierre was sure his younger self would have bashed his head against it. Charles did sometimes have the initiative to be direct.

The Frenchman glanced over to the older man whose eyes rolled. He smiled. It was cringey to watch but Pierre wouldn’t have changed it- except maybe he wouldn’t ideally be wearing some sweaty working out gear but even then, the experience was uniquely them. No, he wouldn’t change this. Not for the world.

He remembered how shocked he was for about a second or so but instantly kiss Charles back with equal force. He remembered how the Monégasque bit Pierre’s lower lip causing him to moan. He remembered how every nerve in his body exploded with realisation and pure joy. This was not their best kiss- far from it in fact. It was awkward and clumsy, but it was one Pierre would remember forever.

Pierre watched his younger self pull back, hands moving to Charles’s biceps as he rested them there.

‘Wow.’

‘Umm so... I like you...in a more than friends’ way.’

Younger Pierre nodded as Charles still looked awkward and adverted his gaze down to the floor. By now he had removed his arms from around Pierre’s waist and they were loosely hanging by his side.

'I've ruined everything, haven't I? I should have just kept my mouth shut.'

He let out an embarrassing chuckle this time as his younger self leant lifted up the Monégasque chin so they were looking at each other before leaning forward and smacking his lips back on Charles’s, who made an embarrassing noise in shock but quickly kissed back with even more passion than before. The kiss was quick as it was only meant to be reassuring that Charles had not messed up but rather had taken a leap in their relationship, doing something that Pierre had simply wanted to do months or even years earlier but never had the courage to.

‘I like you too.’

Present Pierre smiled as Charles gleamed and kissed his younger self again smiling as he did so. He remembered how he felt a million dollars and that suddenly everything in his life clicked and just felt perfect.

‘You’re staying right?’ Pierre asked softly against Charles’s lips, ‘This wasn’t just a quick trip to tell me?’

‘I’ll stay for as long as you want me.’ He replied back just as softly.

Pierre was unsure if he actually heard Charles say from the position he was currently standing in or if his memory of Charles saying that had come to life and filled in the gaps he knew were there.

‘Good.’

2021 Pierre leaned in again, still sat on the counter as Charles stood in-between his legs, one hand-knotted in the Frenchman's hair while the other was placed gently on his back holding him in place.

Pierre could feel a bright white light shining behind him. He quickly looked around to find the door back to the white room open and his companion gone. Sighing sadly, he took one last look at 2021 Pierre and Charles happy before stepping forward and returning back. The door shut behind him with a loud bang and Pierre tried not to let the sadness consume more of his heart than it already did so.

'Was that helpful?' The older man asked arms crossed again but this time he was stood right in the middle of the room as if he was interrogating Pierre.

‘I never realised how awkward he was being that day.’ He replied twisting one of his many rings.

‘Is that unusual for him?’ The older man asked.

‘Yeah. He’s always so confident and sure about everything like he knows if he’s making the right decision or not.’

‘Admitting you love someone is scary.’

‘Yeah. It would just be nice to see more of the nervous and awkward Charles again you know.’ Pierre commented, still playing with his rings, ‘He used to get nervous over cooking me dinner even though he did it a million times before we got together. He wanted it to be perfect. I don’t know… it was like if I didn’t like it, he thought I would dump him or something. Now…now he barely cooks dinner. Its either me or takeout, he’s always too busy with the group. I just feel so…’

‘Annoyed that he doesn’t make the effort anymore because he knows you won’t leave him?’

Pierre nodded, ‘I don’t want fancy stuff and effort all the time, but you know. Would be nice to come home to surprise once in a while. You’re right, it’s like he doesn’t bother because he knows I won’t dump him. It’s like our relationship is the last thing on his mind.’

‘I highly doubt that’s true. From what I saw that day with Max, Charles clearly values you.’

‘Not anymore. I bet he doesn’t even gush about our relationship to anyone.’ Pierre argued back leaning against the wall with his arms wrapped across his chest.

The older man smirked and started walking down the corridor, on the left, looking at the doors. He started squinting as if he could see through the wood to the other side. Who knows? Maybe he could? All the rules were weird here. Pierre moved his head to follow his movements, but his head was elsewhere, thinking back to his relationship with Charles and were it all went wrong. He was taken away from his thought when his companion made a small humming noise before opening one of them.

‘Come on.’

With that Pierre sighed again and jogged over to the open door and stepped on through. He found himself opening his eyes again but this time on the streets of Monaco. He recognised the location instantly; a local nightclub was just metres away from where they were standing. Pierre looked around, trying to find any signs of when this was.

Laughing caught his attention and he saw three figures in the street; one sat down on the floor and the other two surrounding them. Pierre squinted and took a small step closer where he realised that the three figures were indeed Charles, Max and Lando.

Suddenly, something clicked in Pierre’s head. Of course! The trio often met up in Monaco, late 2021 to spend time together after everything with Max. They called it bonding time but somehow it always ended up with the Dutchman and Monégasque stupidly drunk and occasionally the Brit too. This must have been one of those nights out. However, something else occurred to Pierre.

‘I thought these were meant to be my memories?’

‘Mostly.’ The elder man responded eyebrows raised in disgust about Max and co. behaviour, ‘Sometimes it can be memories to do with you.’

‘With me? I wasn’t on this night out; I barely go out with them anymore.’

'Doesn't mean you weren't a topic of conversation.'

Dread ran through Pierre’s body. He really didn’t like the sound of that. Whenever people spoke about him when he was absent, it was mostly to do with his demotion, case and point, Horner, and Marko. He watched as Lando sat on the floor laughing at something Max had said with Charles smiling against the wall. Pierre knew instantly that his boyfriend was shattered and probably wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep.

The Frenchman’s gaze was adverted when he saw a familiar figure walking down the street, wearing McLaren merch and bright socks. Of course, Daniel. Who else would be able to drag a drunk Max home safely? Charles and Lando would definitely be not on that list.

‘Max’s sugar daddy’s come to pick him up.’ Lando exclaimed loudly causing Pierre’s attention to be solely on the Brit. He smiled when he spotted Max pouting and Daniel looking confused between the McLaren driver and the Ferrari driver as he grabbed a hold of Max, who was a second away from falling to the floor. Pierre and Daniel always declined the invitations, the latter claiming that he was too old for all the drinking now and the Frenchman claiming that drinking heavily wasn't really his thing.

‘Max’s what now?’ He asked hand wrapped around Max’s arm tightly.

‘Sugar daddy.’ Charles stated still leaning against the wall smiling and looking a bit more awake, ‘Because you’re like soo much older than him.’

'Its 8 years.'

‘Still old.’ The Brit stated back smiling cheekily.

‘I like my men older anyway.’ Max muttered kissing Daniel softly and placing his hand under his boyfriend’s t-shirt to which the Australian gasped slightly probably at the coldness of his boyfriend's hands and kissed back harder.

Pierre cringed as he realised that his companion would have to witness Max being incredibly touchy with his boyfriend. He prayed that Daniel would come to his senses and stop Max from going any further. Back at the paddock, he was one of the fortunate few of had not yet walked in on Daniel and Max in compromising positions. Those two were not careful at all. He and Charles had been dating and doing stuff in the paddock for longer, yet the only issue that had was when Carlos almost walked in on them.

Luckily for the observing duo, Daniel pulled back, caressing Max's face as he did so and gave a little smile, ‘Right. Maxy is going home. You guys need a lift or taxi called or boyfriends called?’

Lando shook his head and Pierre noticed that Charles was now squinting angrily at the Australian as if he had someone insulted the Monégasque in what he just said.

‘You dare wake up my beloved Pierre at...’ The Monégasque said still giving Daniel an evil glare before glancing down at his watch, his eyes widening in surprise, ‘5 am... 5 am Jesus. Yeah, no one disturbs my Pierre.'

‘Whipped.’ Lando exclaimed still laughing as Max joined in still wrapped around Daniel.

'It's respect, Lando. I don't disturb Pierre and then I can get all the sex and cuddles I want tomorrow.'

Pierre rolled his eyes. Trust Charles to completely exaggerate. The day after his lover goes clubbing would be spent with him mostly in bed complaining about headaches and tiredness while Pierre gently massages his scalp and plays with his hair and sometimes pepping his face with kisses if he felt particularly sorry for him. Sometimes they did have sex if Charles was ‘alive’ for it. He tried to think back to what happened the next day after this but eventually all the nights out merged into one, so it was hard to comment.

‘And that’s enough of that.’ The older McLaren driver commented untangling himself from the Dutchman who pouted. He gave one last glance to Charles and Lando before looking back at his half-asleep boyfriend, ‘If you guys are sure…’

Both Charles and Lando nodded. After all, Charles's apartment wasn't far, and Pierre assumed it was one of those nights where the Brit would be sleeping over round his.

‘Alrighty then. Maxy, let’s go.’

The Australian held out his hand as the Dutchman grabbed onto it tightly and let himself be pulled along the street waving goodbye to his two friends as he did so. Charles and Lando waved back before the former pulled up the McLaren driver so he was now standing if somewhat leaning heavily against the wall for support. Charles pulled out his phone and started texting. Pierre knew instantly that his boyfriend would be texting the Pierre that was currently at home asleep to let him know that he was leaving and would be back at the apartment shortly, something he still did presently despite their relationship not being what it was.

‘Do you worry that Pierre will see you’re not good enough and leave you?’

Pierre blinked, taking his attention away from Charles and looked on questionably not expecting such a profound question to leave the then youngest F1 drivers’ mouth. He continued watching intensively as Charles eyebrows knitted together in confusion then slowly turned to face the Brit.

‘No, not really.’

Pierre blinked again not expecting that answer but somehow not surprised he said it. He always thought and slightly hoped that Charles would have some sort of insecurity over their relationship but apparently not. Maybe his blasé approach presently was simply being brought out from this viewpoint. He zoned out everything around him, even his companion as his full attention was on the conversation that was about to occur.

‘Why do you ask?’ Charles replied back slipping his phone back in his pocket.

‘No reason. I just…’ Lando bit his lip and looked at the ground unsure, ‘You promise you won’t tell anyone this…except Max because he kinda already knows.’

Charles nodded and Pierre was even more intrigued now.

‘I kinda like Carlos…like as in like like him.’

_Was that it?_

Evidently, past Charles had the same thought as he burst at laughing cause Lando to frown at his friend.

'What?' The Brit asked with a confused tone.

‘Lando. We know.’

‘You know.’

‘It is obvious.’

‘So, Carlos knows?’

‘Well maybe not him but yeah I’m pretty sure everyone in the paddock except him knows.’

Pierre felt sorry for the McLaren driver as his look of uncertainty turned into pure horror and worry. Charles was right though, everyone knew that Lando had the hots for Carlos. If hanging about in the Ferrari garage didn’t enlighten it then the constant tagging of memes and photos on Instagram did.

‘So, what’s that got to do with me and Pierre?’

'Well I don't feel good enough for him you know.' Lando confessed. His arms were crossed portraying his anxiety and the Frenchman felt guilty being witness to a very private moment, 'Like it's what we were saying with Max earlier, there's an age gap, except Daniel doesn't act his age, he acts younger hence why he and Max work so well. Carlos is five years older than me, he's more mature than me and he acts like it. I just feel like an immature child when I'm with him sometimes and who wants to date an immature child?'

Pierre made a mental note to cut Lando some slack the next time he saw him. It all worked out well in the end though. A few weeks later after this, the Brit asked Carlos to ‘hang’ with him after the race. A week after that Charles got a phone call from a very happy and excited Lando explaining how on in that ‘hang out session’, he admitted to Spaniard that he liked him, the latter said the same and the pair kissed and were ‘seeing each other.’

‘You’re not an immature child. You’re fun, lively…’

‘Yeah I know it’s just…why do you feel confident in your relationship with Pierre?’

Again, Pierre took another small step closer very glad that no one could see him. He would love to know the answer to this question as well. Finally, he would find out why Charles was being blasé in their relationship.

'I mean I have the evidence to prove otherwise.'

It was Pierre who was looking confused now. When had Charles acquired the evidence that Pierre was not going to dump him ever? I mean obviously, the Frenchman wasn't going to, but he always thought it was an assumption, if somewhat a very accurate one, that the Monégasque had made once. He stepped forward slightly as if to hear the conversation more clearly. If he wasn't intrigued but what Charles had said previously, he was now.

‘He was drunk once, like really drunk and we were making out down one of the streets.’

Lando giggled in response. His attention was fully focused on Charles.

‘I know right? He gets really touchy when he’s drunk. It’s very endearing.’

Pierre blushed despite the elder man being the only one who could see him. He’s memories of the fight we’re fuzzy. there was no reason why they went out drinking, they just did, wanted something to do especially after COVID had ruined any form of life for a year. He remembered drinking in the bar, having drinks brought for him and dancing away through the night. He vaguely remembered having his tongue down Charles’s throat at some-point although Pierre was under the impression that was in the club and not some street in the dead of night.

‘Anyway, we were making out and in between kisses he says ‘Mon univers’ and I don’t know, it hit me that it would be forever you know, that I was somehow his entire universe. It was…I don’t know. It just showed that Pierre was deeply in love with me.’

‘Are you not in deeply in love with Pierre then?’

Pierre crossed his arms, dreading what Charles was about to say next. He shifted awkwardly between his feet watching his trainers as he did so.

'Of course, I am. Me and Pierre, we're it till the end of our lives.’

Pierre looked up and saw the heartful expression on Charles’s face. A small smile appeared on the Frenchman’s face but turning yet again into a frown.

_What changed?_

‘No surprise, I guess. You and Pierre are couple goals though.’ Lando replied grinning and elbowing the Ferrari driver.

‘I don’t know. I think that’s more Max and Daniel really.’

‘Nah., I mean I think they were inevitable but you and Pierre. You don’t let anyone destroy you, not even when you were friends. Rumours, girls trying to throw themselves as you. You let nothing break you.’

_Instead, we broke ourselves_

‘It’s just I don’t know, admirable I guess.’

‘Whatever you say Lando.’ Charles replied smiling and wrapping an arm around his friend’s shoulder, ‘We should go home and get some sleep.’

‘Yeah. Guess so.’ The Brit replied yawning and laying against Charles slightly.

Pierre gave a small smile before turning around and heading back through the door.

* * *

‘You never told me what your boyfriend said to you that was so hurtful.’ The elder man stated looking at Pierre once he returned back to the white room, ‘That’s one of the reasons you’re here with me isn’t it?’

'Yeah, I guess so.' The Frenchman replied biting his lip slightly, 'He said that I wasn't good enough to be driving a top car in formula one.'

The elder man looked a bit lost but seemed to understand why it would hurt someone, Pierre decided to elaborate to really get his point across.

‘I was in a top car in 2019, I was teammates with Max then, but I was dropped because I wasn’t good enough.’

‘Ahh, I guess that must have hurt.’

‘Yeah…’

‘I’m also guessing Charles stood by your side helping when this happened?’

Pierre nodded, trying not to cry again. Christ, why was everything such a mess? Why did he have to storm off once he said it? Why didn't he stay and fight back? Why did he leave and just stay at the paddock? There were some many alternative things he could have done to prevent himself from being here.

‘Must have hurt a lot when he said it.’

Pierre nodded, his mood changing instantly as he was suddenly angry again with himself, Charles, Lando, the driver, the car, everything really. Why couldn't he catch a break and not have a good race without something ruining it?

Why didn’t Charles care enough to hug him in Parc Ferme?

The Frenchman quickly wiped the tears that had formed in his eyes and took a deep breath. One of the doors on the left squeaked open slightly causing Pierre and even the elder man to look at it confused.

‘Was that?’

‘I have no idea. That has never happened before.’

The elder man walked towards the door and opened it properly without much caution. He stepped inside leaving Pierre alone. Sighing, the Frenchman guessed that he would have to follow him through, he wasn’t sure what would happen if he didn’t and he really wasn’t prepared to find out. Jogging up to the door, Pierre braced himself for anything and stepped on through.

* * *

Upon arrival, he found himself staring at Charles’s flat in Monaco. This was the last place he expected to find himself. Of course, he had many memories here but none that would be…

_Ah shit_

‘Any idea what this is?’ The man asked looking around, seemingly impressed by the décor of the apartment which again was rude because what exactly was wrong with Pierre’s interior design? Well, at least he liked Charles’s.

The Frenchman sighed. He knew exactly when this was, and he cursed whoever decided he should revisit this part of the memory.

‘Yeah. This is what happened after I returned from storming off once.’

‘Why did you storm off?’ The elder man asked looking intrigued as if he already knew that it was out of character for the Alpha Tauri driver to just run off without warning. The Frenchman sighed, seeing as his companion could access his memories anyway, he might as well save himself the embarrassment of him witnessing it all.

‘Charles found me self-harming and I couldn’t cope with him asking me questions.’

The statement seemed to shock the elder man; who’s eyebrows frowned in confusion. Pierre gave a sad smile and found himself turning back towards the scene in front of him. He could see Charles sitting on his sofa, both his and Pierre’s phones on the table in front of him. The Monégasque’s face was hiding in his hands and was shaking very slightly. He was probably still in shock about the whole ordeal.

The front door slammed shut and Pierre almost jumped at how quickly Charles shot up from his sitting position and raced to the front door.

‘Where the hell have you been?’

Even now the anger along with the volume of his voice caused present Pierre to wince. He never forgot how loud Charles was at that moment; all his anger and worry filtering through the volume of his voice. Past Pierre merely shrugged and slipped past his friend to sit down uncomfortably on the sofa. The Monégasque stormed after then lured over him to try and get any form of answers out of his friend. When they didn't work, Charles simply started talking again, trying to emphasise how worried he had been.

‘I was this close to calling the police again and begging them to search the streets for you. I was this close to calling Daniil or even Max to see if they knew where you were.’

‘Why?’

'Why?' Charles scoffed and current Pierre didn't blame him. It was a stupid question to ask but, at that moment, the Frenchman didn't really care. All he wanted was for the day to rewind so his best friend never found him in that state, 'Maybe because I found you self-harming and I was worried you were going to do something even stupider like throwing yourself off the cliffs!'

‘Told you it wasn’t a suicide attempt.’

‘It really doesn’t matter. All I know is, is that I found my friend trying to hurt himself.'

Charles looked teary-eyed now, and wiped his nose quickly.

‘Do you even care?

The wobble in the Monégasque caused Pierre to frown. Uncertainty did not suit Charles.

'Of course, I care Charles.' Pierre replied and 2022 Pierre realised how defeated he sounds. The Frenchman stood up slowly off the sofa and wrapped his arms around the Monégasque. Pierre remembered how tightly he held him, how he wanted to convey that he was sorry, and he didn’t mean to cause Charles any distress, ‘It’s just… hard at the moment and I couldn’t see any better options.’

‘But hurting yourself really isn’t the answer.’ Charles sobbed into his shoulder.

‘I know ok. I know it was just a quick solution to an unfixable problem.’ Pierre responded threading his fingers through Charles’s hair, ‘It’s… I don’t know…I just feel so done…washed out.’

‘You’re not. Your talented anyone can see that. You've had a difficult year adapting that's all. You just needed more time-'

‘I shouldn’t have needed more time. I should have been fine. I should have been good. I should have been competing against Max.’

Charles removed himself from Pierre’s shoulder and attempted to wipe his eyes dry. Past Pierre moved his hand to wipe a stray tear away to which the Monégasque seized the opportunity to grab his hand and place it next to his cheek, holding it in place with his own, and snuggling against it. Current Pierre smiled at the intimacy, maybe Lando was wrong? Maybe Pierre and Charles weren’t couple goals but also inevitable too like Daniel and Max.

‘I can’t go to Franz or Marko or whoever and tell them I’m struggling. I’ll definitely be finished then.’ Past Pierre stated ending the silence that had fallen over the pair.

'It doesn't have to be them or anyone from F1, just talk to someone, please. For me.'

Charles rarely begged. He hated begging; he had been brought up under the regime of you get what you work for. Even now, Pierre has never heard Charles sound so desperate and it broke his heart. Naturally, he agreed meaning that Pierre spent a lot of time reflecting on this part of his life over the next few Months, a suggestion from his therapist. Yet somehow over time, everything got distorted and faded. He didn’t remember Charles being this upset or how emotionless he was being.

‘I can’t lose you.’ Charles muttered still holding Pierre’s hand against his cheek.

‘I’m still here.’

Charles nodded and released his hand. The pair stood looking at each other sadly and present Pierre

‘I’m really tired Sharl, I’m going to head to bed.’

‘Share with me?’ He asked loosely grabbing the Frenchman’s bicep, ‘Like when we were kids?’

Pierre nodded clasping Charles’s hand tightly. He remembered the internal promise he made to himself to never let Charles get upset like this again. Charles did care about him…once.

The Frenchman felt the old man pull on his shoulder and drag him through the door back into the white corridor. Silence filled the room as the elder man looked at Pierre, an unknown emotion portrayed on his face. The Alpha Tauri driver bit his lip and looked down at the ground.

‘I never said anything to Max when he was recovering.’ He stated. Pierre didn’t know why he said it, the elder man didn’t ask for an explanation, ‘I thought it wouldn’t be helpful and make him feel worse about what he had done.’

Silence still fell over the pair and Pierre couldn't help but feel like he was being judged. Being judged for his fall back in 2019- that or pitied and frankly, he would have preferred the former. He shifted his gaze so he was looking at a few of the shut doors along the wall. He wondered what lay behind them, but the question was quickly dismissed by the immediate afterthought of 'I don't want to find out.' Instead, Pierre decided to ask the obvious question, one he should have probably asked at the start.

‘When do I go back?’

Pierre looked down at the ground again for the hundredth time that day, feeling somewhat embarrassed about asking such a simple question. Maybe he was worried about the answer? Maybe he was worried the elder man would laugh at him? Maybe he didn’t want to know the answer? There was no immediate answer, so Pierre kept looking down at the ground, but it was only then when he realised what trainers he was actually wearing. Frowning, he shifted his feet about.

‘It depends really. Depends on the injuries etc. Some people die and move onto the afterlife. Some people survive and go back to the land of the living. There’s no time limit really.’

Pierre nodded, acknowledging the answer but still looking at his trainers. They were muddy from the crash and looked completely ruined, the white replaced with a faded brown. It was annoying really; he loved these trainers. These were the trainers Charles's gifted him with for his birthday. It was considered one of the smaller presents, but Pierre loved them nonetheless. The Alpha Tauri driver had been debating about whether to buy them or not Months prior to his birthday claiming that he really didn’t need another pair of shoes. Charles gifted them to him anyway. He had listened while Pierre debated his shoe dilemma. He had taken an interest in the small and irrelevant part of his boyfriends’ life. Pierre doubted that Charles would no about any form of internal debate Pierre would be having with clothes or shoes or even tv shows. He doubted Charles paid attention anymore. He evidently had no idea how much he had hurt Pierre earlier; he was too focused on his twitch group.

‘What happens if I choose to stay here? Like I can go back to the land of the living but I don’t want to?’

'You don't want to go back?' The elder man asked quizzically as if this was the first time, he had heard such a question. Pierre knew he hadn't. The man already implied that Max wasn't too keen to go back but then again, his situation was different from the Frenchman's.

‘I want to go back…some point but not right now. I just want to stay here even if I’m ready to go back.’

‘Why?’ The elder man asked sounding intrigued. Pierre shrugged his shoulders not feeling comfortable in answering but then sighed, ‘Is this to do with the boyfriend? Charles?’

Pierre nodded and rubbed his right arm anxiously again.

‘I just. I don’t know. I feel like once I wake up everything will go back to how it was.’

The man nodded taking a step close to Pierre, seemingly understanding why the Frenchman was feeling that way.

‘I just…I don’t want it to go back to how it was. I want Charles to care again, to worry. I can’t wake up and just sit at the dining room table alone while he plays games.’

'Who says it's going to stay the same?'

Pierre stopped and looked at the elder man, whose head had tilted slightly as if he was trying to see inside the Alpha Tauri driver's mind. A small smile appeared before he turned to his right and started walking.

‘Follow me.’

He scuttled after the man and walked in step as they made their way further down the corridor. They reached a door at the end, alone on the end wall and the elder man pushed it open, seemingly ignoring the bright white light that flashed through it. The Frenchman shut his eyes and blindly followed the man through. He opened them again, rubbing them slightly as he was met with yet another white room, again with doors. If Pierre wasn’t confused before, he was now. He jogged slightly to keep up with his companion.

‘This is going to be some déjà vu.’ The man muttered under his breath and Pierre was unsure whether he was meant to hear the comment. That had been happening a lot to him recently.

The elder man kept walking past all the doors and fear started to churn in the Frenchman’s stomach. Where was he being taken to? Was this the end for him? Was it too late? Had he already died? Pierre turned a corner and his eyes widen. The white room with doors had transformed into a hospital. Actual people- not faint ones- were walking about, rushing. His eyes glanced around the room and stopped when he saw the scene in front of him.

Carlos and Lando were off to the side, the latter looking distressed as his boyfriend shushed him gently, bringing him into a hug. Beside them sitting down was none other than Sebastian Vettel, whose head was resting on his knuckle. His mouth was straight; neither smiling nor frowning but his eyes were filled with worry. Pierre followed the four-times world champions gaze to the person sitting on the floor, limbs all tucked in. Their face was resting against their knees with their arms wrapped around the legs. Their body was shaking slightly, mostly likely from crying, and Pierre's heart dropped, and he instantly recognised the person sat alone, away from everyone else.

‘Charles.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't expect it to be 9000 or so words long if I'm honest.  
> As always, kudos/comment/criticise  
> See you next time


	3. Contemplating the Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After finding a distressed Charles at the hospital, Pierre sets about trying to find some answers. However, the Frenchman finds out more than he bargains for. Will he discover the truth as to why his relationship with Charles suddenly started to deteriorate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Woo!  
> Thank you to all who commented on the last one. I'm so glad you are loving this story as much as the last one.  
> I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint.  
> Enjoy!

Pierre was paralysed on the spot, he couldn’t move, his body refused to. His breathing had increased rapidly as he stared at the scene unfolding in front of him, taking in all the lost and upset faces. The door crashed open behind him, causing Pierre to jump, removing from his paralysis. He spun around to see Max with Daniel following storming into the waiting area. The couple paused, taking in the scene in front of them. Max took a step forward towards Seb. Him being the eldest and most composed, Pierre figured that Max would assume the Aston Martin driver would be able to inform him of what happened to the Alpha Tauri driver.

‘What the hell happened?’ The dutchman asked exasperated, ‘We heard Pierre had been injured or something?’

Seb stood up, walking to stand in front of Max and Daniel, the latter of whom had his arm wrapped around his lover's waist, ‘Pierre was in an accident. We’re not sure what happened but it seemed to be some form of collision. He’s in surgery now.’

The German sounded calm and Pierre believed for a second that everything would be ok, that the surgery was nothing major. It wasn’t until he remembered the nature of the in-between world that he knew he was anything but.

‘Surgery?’ Dan asked shocked, a hint of fear present in his voice. Pierre also felt his heart stop; he knew that he had to be in a coma or dying but hearing he was in surgery was frightening.

‘Yeah, we don’t know much but they had to cut him out of the vehicle. Apparently, he wasn’t wearing a seat belt either.’

Charles sobbed harder at the statement, curling further into a ball. Pierre had never seen him look more distressed, even after the demotion incident, the Monégasque somehow stayed composed and only let out anger.

‘What the hell?’ Max exclaimed, ‘Why the fuck wasn’t he wearing a seat belt.’

‘We don’t know.’

‘Do we know his injuries?’

Seb shook his head and knelt beside Charles, wrapping him in a hug to which the Monégasque leant in slightly. Pierre couldn’t help but associate his boyfriend with a small helpless child terrified of the world and it broke the Frenchman that he was the one who had done that to Charles. He wanted to see that Charles did still love and care for him but not like this. Anyway but this. He adverted his gaze back to Lando and Carlos and Max and Daniel, who were in a group whispering quietly.

‘What is everyone doing here?’ Pierre asked slightly speechless, his gaze shifting between everyone in the corridor.

‘They’re here for you.’ The elder man stated as if it was obvious.

‘Yeah but…what? How long has it been since the crash?’

‘It’s very hard to say time is weird in the world of the in-between. When Max was here time only moved when he was dying. It could be the same for you, it may not.’

‘But why are they all here? Lando, Carlos, Seb? How?’

Pierre couldn’t tell if he was more confused or concerned. Why were these people here? Of course, Charles would need some support but surely this is more than he needed considering how he's currently sitting on the floor crying away from them all. Were they all here because it was bad news? Was there a message spread around the paddock that Pierre had been in a very serious car accident and hadn't expected to survive the night? No. Wait. Max didn't know the injuries nor did Seb so they are just as clueless as him.

‘I don’t know. We could always go and see?’

Pierre looked at the elder man confused causing the latter to sigh in annoyance and elaborate on his statement, 'We've seen your past, Pierre, so what's the next logical thing we're going to see?'

‘The present?’ He answered still confused.

None of this made any sense but at least being able to witness past events that were unchangeable was a more viable idea that seeing moments that may have happened literally a few hours ago. Then again, maybe they could also be counted in the past? Regardless, this whole situation was a mess and Pierre was still struggling to come to terms with it. He had been thrown into a limbo more or less, witnessed his past memories and now was witnessing his friends cry over him.

_How the hell is any of this possible?_

To add to the confusion more, the elder man reopened the door that he and Pierre had previously walked through and disappeared back through it without a second glance to the Frenchman. Sighing once again, he turned back to get one last look at Charles, who was still clinging onto his ex-teammate and left through the door expecting to return back to the white corridor from earlier.

Instead, Pierre found himself back in the paddock, the last place he expected to be. He turned to the elder man who was watching something with interest. The Frenchman followed his gaze and found himself with Charles and Lando. He blinked in surprise as he realised, he was watching the argument that happened between himself and Charles only a few hours prior, assuming he had been in his limbo for a few hours.

He watched himself backing away from Charles before storming off leaving the other two drivers just standing there. Pierre jogged over to where they stood, with the aim to hear their conversation but instead was met with just their expressions, clearly written on their faces. Lando looked worried, his gaze following a fleeing Pierre before returning it back to Charles, who looked scared but mostly shocked, his gaze too following the pathway Pierre had just previously used.

‘You ok Charles?’ Lando asked looking concerned taking a step closer towards the Monégasque and gently placing his hand on his friend's bicep comfortingly.

There was a few second of silence. The Ferrari driver gulped and Pierre could see his eyes were being to water with tears that were threatening to fall. He felt bad, terrible in fact but he wasn’t sure if he genuinely felt bad for storming off or whether he felt bad because he was somewhat relieved and slightly happy Charles felt bad for what he did.

‘No.’ Charles stated bluntly and Pierre was taken back further about by how void of emotion his lover’s voice was. He took a step closer while staring at the Ferrari driver. The latter’s gaze did not falter away from the paddock exit and Pierre realised that in fact Charles was no longer holding back tears, ‘You know when you asked if I worried about Pierre dumping me because he’s too good for me?’

‘I was wrong.’

‘Huh?’

‘I should have been worried.’

‘Oh.’

Pierre continued watching eyes widened in shock. Charles thought their relationship was over? If Pierre died then…The Frenchman shook his head ridding the thought from his head.

‘I’m sure it’s not as bad as it seems. Pierre probably just needs some time alone and to cool down you know.’ Lando said trying to comfort Charles. It wasn’t working. The Monégasque gaze was still on the footpath.

‘No. I’m a horrible person and an even worse boyfriend.’

‘I’m sure you’re not. Were you arguing about?’

‘I didn’t congratulate him on his podium.’

He watched as Lando’s expression went from supportive to slightly judgmental.

‘Well fuck Charles.’

He could see that the Brit was going to continue but the Ferrari driver cut him off.

'Yeah, I know. Pretty shitty of me wasn't it?'

‘Did you not have time or what?’

Pierre watched with interest as Charles shrugged seemingly not knowing how to respond.

‘Thought he wouldn’t need it.’

'Well, Jesus Charles. No one needs congratulating, do they? It's a nice thing to do especially for a loved one! It shows you care and you're happy that they won! No wonder Pierre is annoyed at you.'

It felt odd seeing Lando stand up for Pierre considering just minutes before the McLaren driver was doing anything he could to pull Charles away from him, unintentionally of course, but still.

‘Yeah… and to finish it off I made a stupid dig at his demotion.’

Lando rolled his eyes and sighed with what Pierre found was an annoyed tone.

‘Considering you call yourself a romantic, you do know how to screw up a relationship.’ The Brit replied grabbing Charles by the arm, ‘Come on. Leave him and hang with us for a bit. I’m sure George and Alex will listen to your troubles.’

Pierre watched Lando dragged Charles away although the latter’s eyes were still on the pathway the Frenchman had stormed down just moments ago.

‘I need to follow them.’ Pierre stated walking off towards them only to be grabbed by his companion. He turned back around with a confused expression on his face.

The elder man rolled his eyes, ‘Not to be rude but I can’t be asked to see your boyfriend moan about ruining up your relationship to two other people. We can just skip ahead slightly to when the conversation really matters.’

‘Skip ahead?’

‘Yeah. Max found if you closed your eyes and thought of a location then you would appear there. He did it when your boyfriend found his body in the bathroom. He skipped ahead from that to the paddock to when he was clinging onto you.’

Pierre gulped as the painful memory came back to him. He remembered how Charles was gripping onto his fireproofs for dear life. He remembered how he saw the blood and instant panic entered his body. He remembered how one of the stewards whispered in his ear about Max and how Charles must have been the one to find him. He shuddered slightly and pushed the memory to the side of the time being. He couldn’t help but think it was odd to think that Max also witnessed it. He hoped that it had been one of the deciding factors for Max to chose to come back.

‘Close my eyes right?’ Pierre asked again to which the elder man nodded, ‘Ok then think.’

‘Yes.’

‘Alright.’ He muttered closing his eyes.

* * *

Pierre found himself in the William’s hospitality centre when he re-opened his eyes. He heard the laughter of some of his fellow drivers before he saw them. The Frenchmen turned himself left and saw the Twitch Quartet plus Carlos sitting around a TV and game set. George and Alex were sat on the floor rather close to the TV. Lando was sat on a chair behind them and slightly to the left, Carlos sat on a chair next to him with an arm wrapped around his boyfriend. Finally, Pierre spotted Charles isolated away from everyone else, laying on one of the sofa’s looking up at the ceiling.

‘You sure you don’t want to play Charles?’ Alex asked holding out a remote towards Charles, who had now turned himself around on the sofa so he was facing the pillows. A small muffled sound came out unintelligible. Alex sighed and turned around to see the Ferrari driver.

‘What?’ The Thai asked trying to get clarity. Charles removed his face from the pillow moaning in annoyance as he did so.

‘Leave me alone, I’m upset. Pierre’s just basically dumped me.’

‘Is he always this dramatic?’ The elder man asked, and Pierre almost rudely shushed him. He wanted to hear the rest of the conversation.

Instead, he quickly glared at his companion before responding, ‘No. Not always.’

The conversation continued as Charles moaned dramatically- rather dismissing Pierre’s previous comment to his companion- and threw his phone on the floor beside him.

'He didn't dump you, Charles.' Lando commented eyes firming on the TV screen evidently fed up with Charles’s sucking. Pierre would have been annoyed at the Brit's lack of care over Charles. Yes, the Monégasque was prone to being dramatic but it's what makes Pierre love him. He loved how dramatic and over the top his boyfriend could be about the littlest thing. In this case, though, he understood Lando's annoyance, providing the McLaren was annoyed at what Charles said to the Frenchman earlier and not because he was distracting him from his game. 

‘Well he probably will tomorrow, won’t he? Charles replied moving his mouth away from the pillow so he could properly talk, ‘He’s probably throwing my clothes over the hotel balcony or something. Have you seen his recent Spotify songs? Wrecking ball, heartless, rolling in the deep!’

The Monégasque grabbed his phone and showed his list to his friends despite it being far to small for them to see.

‘So?’ The Mclaren driver asked slightly confused by what the songs had to do with anything.

‘They’re songs about people’s lovers hurting them.’

‘He’s upset. He’s hardly going to be listening to some upbeat music, is he?’ George counted his eyes also on the TV in front of them.

Charles shrugged again, face turned back towards the pillow as if he wanted to ignore the rest of the world.

‘Is Max staying at the same hotel as Pierre?’ George asked turning around to face Charles once he has completed his game.

Pierre looked on confused. What does Max have anything to do with it? Maybe George thought he would be a source of comfort for the Frenchman?

‘I don’t know, why?’

‘Probably given your clothes to him to burn or something.' George laughed as Alex chuckled and Lando smiled slightly, Carlos was still invested in his phone either not interested in Charles’s love life or trying to stay out of the situation.

‘Guys, my relationship is literally on the line here. This isn’t funny.’

Pierre wanted to do nothing more than run over and give his boyfriend a hug and kiss. Maybe that’s why everything had gotten this far, he never could resist an upset Charles. At least, the 2019 rookies stopped laughing truly seeing that Charles was upset over all of this and a small part of Pierre was glad that his boyfriend did feel bad. At least it showed that the Monégasque did still care about the Alpha Tauri driver even if he didn’t show it recently.

‘Pierre’s nice remember? He’s kind and he’s loving. Today was a big day for him, he probably needs time to absorb it all. Leave him for tonight. He’ll have calmed down and be willing to talk to you tomorrow.’

‘I don’t know. I really think today was the last straw.’

‘Aside from your dick move about the podium, is there anything else you know that upset him?’ George asked turning around from the screen to look over at Charles.

‘The demotion comment?’

‘Again an extremely dick move but is that all from today?’ This time it was Alex who commented and Pierre felt bad considering he also knew the hardships of being under Red Bull.

‘I don’t know! Maybe?’ Charles exclaimed again, turning around so he was facing the ceiling and covered his eyes with his arm, ‘Maybe I should go to the hotel and talk to him now? Or wait till tomorrow?'

‘You know Pierre best. What do you think he would want you to do?’ Carlos asked finally taking his attention away from his phone and looking over to where his teammate lay.

‘I don’t know.’ The Monégasque responded removing his arm and sitting upright. He looked over at his teammate, ‘We haven’t been on the page recently.’

Pierre stared shocked. He wasn’t aware that Charles had noticed that anything had changed. He was under the impression that the Monégasque believed everything was perfect.

‘Like… I don’t know. We’ve been different recently. I mean I followed your advice guys but it seems to have just pushed him further away.’

Pierre frowned. Advice? What advice? What advice did he follow that could be the reason for the deterioration in his relationship? The Frenchman took a step forward intrigued. He needed to know what was said. What did they say to Charles?

'You took advice from them?' Carlos asked chuckling to himself while Charles looked across at his teammate confused.

'Well, Lando mostly but…'

‘Lando? My boyfriend? The boyfriend who thinks the most romantic thing he can do is order takeaway ‘to save me’ from his cooking?’

‘Hey!’

‘That Lando?’ Carlos asked laughing, ‘Oh my god. It would have been better to ask Kimi for advice.’

Charles sighed as he sat up only to collapse against the sofa looking like he was contemplating his entire existence. He then leant forward, face falling into his hands which were balanced on his elbows, rested on his knees. He looked over at Carlos and Lando defeated.

‘Great. So thanks to some dodgy advice, I’ve ruined my relationship.’

‘It wasn’t dodgy!’ Lando exclaimed turning around to look at the Ferrari drivers pouting.

The Brit was about to defend himself further and hopefully say what advice he gave to Charles just as a knock at the door interrupted them. George leapt you and went over to answer the door, under the impression it was one of the William's staff tell them to leave. However, the Brit opened the door and Pierre could see he looked slightly puzzled. He stepped aside allowing an unfamiliar face to enter the room. This man caught the attention of everyone. The Frenchman could imagine that all of them were racking their brains trying to figure out who this man was. He just seemed to be a worker at the circuit.

‘Mr Leclerc?’ The man walked over to where the Monégasque was sitting and now looking very concerned, ‘There’s been an accident.’

He watched as Charles’s eyes knitted in confusion and he sat upright intrigued by what they were about to tell him. The Frenchman took a deep breathe also bracing himself for the news despite knowing what it was going to be already. Why was he nervous? Maybe this random man had more information about Pierre’s condition that the Alpha Tauri driver didn’t wish to hear yet? Maybe it was seeing Charles’s reaction and knowing that his boyfriend was about to become the most broken man on the paddock? 

‘Pierre was in a car accident earlier.’

An eery silence filled the room as the Frenchman watched his boyfriend’s facial expression go from confused to horrified. The Monégasque looked frozen along with the others in the room. All of their gazes turned to Charles to see how he was reacting to the news. The Ferrari driver looked like his world had been torn apart. It scarily reminded Pierre of when Charles told him about Jules and his dad. 

‘He’s been taking to hospital-’

His heart broke as he watched Charles shot up from the sofa and run out of the room. Instinctively, he followed and jogged after Charles, trying to keep up, no idea if the elder man was behind him or not. Frankly, he had forgotten that he was even there with him but acknowledging his companions' existence was far from his priority.

Pierre kept following his boyfriend out of the hospitality centre and straight down the paddock until Charles stopped by some of the plants that were around near the entrance, the one Pierre had stormed through earlier that evening. Charles looked distressed; his hands were threaded in his hair threatening to pull it out if he clutched it any harder. Pierre yet again wanted to reach and touch Charles, to comfort him and let him know he was here but it was redundant. Charles wouldn’t see him, and Pierre couldn’t touch him even if he wanted to. He tried not to cry as Charles spun around towards the plants and threw up in them.

‘Charles.’

It was Carlos that has followed him out with Lando swiftly following. Both stopped a few metres away from the Monégasque who was gagging still.

‘He’s dead, isn't he? He's dead and it's all my fault.'

Carlos grabbed his teammate and pulled him into a hug in an attempt to comfort him. The Spaniard was shushing trying to stop his friend from crying and to calm him down. Lando held out a bottle of water, the Frenchman unsure of where he had gotten it from. Charles drank it greedily, hiccupping slightly between sips.

‘We don’t know that, ok. Pierre could be literally awake in a hospital bed as we speak with very minor injuries ok? He could have literally been a minor accident.’

Charles nodded at his teammate, tears still rushing down his face and Pierre struggled to hold back his own tears knowing that the Spaniard's statement wasn't true. Both of the Monégasque hands were holding onto Carlos's bicep tightly as if it was the only thing preventing him from collapsing to the floor. Lando came round from where he was stood a few metres back and comforting stroked Charles's arm.

‘We can take you to the hospital if you want?’

The Monégasque nodded his head before suddenly letting go of his friend and turning back towards the plants to throw up yet again. Carlos and Lando glanced at each unsure of what to do next and Pierre yet again really wished that he wasn’t stuck in some stupid limbo. He knew how to comfort an upset Charles. He knew that you hug him tight, let his head rest on your shoulder and allow him to cry it out as you massaged his hair.

‘Charles?’

Pierre knew that voice, it was Sebastian. The Aston Martin driver ran over to where his former teammate was shaking and grabbed a tight hold of his shoulders to try and stabilise him. He hoped that the presence of a familiar and comforting friend would help calm the Monégasque down. He needed to at least stop throwing up if anything. Pierre was completely speechless at how his boyfriend was reacting. He would never think he would completely break and no longer function.

‘What’s happened?’

Charles sobbed loudly again and rested his head into the older drivers' shoulder, similarly to what Pierre had done before the podium cereMonégasquey. The German turned to look at Carlos and Lando in the hope they could offer him an explanation.

‘Pierre’s been in a car accident.’ Carlos informed him, ‘We’re about to take him to the hospital to see him.’

Charles sobbed even louder as Seb moved his hand to rest in the Ferrari drivers hair. He shushed him comfortingly then turned back to look at Carlos and Lando.

‘I’ll come with you. I think Charles is going to need support from all of us.’

Pierre felt a tug on his arm which caused him to jump slightly. The elder man was dragging him back towards the door. Evidently, he believed that there was nothing else worthy to watch in this memory. Stepping back through the door, Pierre almost felt himself collapse onto the ground but surprised himself by remaining upright while taking deep breaths.

‘Well…does that enlighten anything for you?’

'I mean…' Pierre started running his hand through his long fringe causing it to stand up at all angles, 'I don't know what I was expecting. I knew…hoped that Charles would be upset but he just seemed so…I don't know.'

‘Is that what you wanted him to feel?’

‘I mean when I stormed off I hoped he would think about what he’s done yes.’

‘How about what he found out about your accident?’

Pierre continued to chew on his thumb still taking everything he witnessed in.

‘Is it horrible that it was reassuring he was upset and distressed about it? I know he was distressed in the hospital but I don’t know I thought maybe it was the reality sinking in.’

The elder man shrugged and leant back against the wall yet again, ‘From what you’ve told me, maybe not so horrible. You said you didn’t think he no longer cared about you right?’

Pierre nodded then continued to explain, ‘It was to be expected, I guess. He’s lost a lot of people in his life already though. He might act just as bad if it were Lando or George or Seb or someone.’

The elder man listened attentively.

‘I just don’t get it why act like then when he’s been pushing me away deliberately or not. . I mean he did say something about stupid advice…urgh…why is this place giving more questions?’

Pierre sighed and placed his head in his hands. He heard the elder man shuffle slightly causing the Frenchman to look between his fingers at him. His companion had an undefinable look on his face then huffed before speaking.

‘Well let’s go a bit earlier this year then. See what we can find out.’

Pierre looked at his companion confused.

‘Does that not count as the past?’

The old man turned to glare at Pierre slightly who’s inside curled slightly. It reminded Pierre of being stared at by Marko on a good day.

‘Sorry, do you make the rules here?’

Pierre shook his head unsure of how to respond. The elder man huffed and walked through the door again for the second time. The Frenchman braced himself for what could be waiting on the other side. At least he knew it was in 2022 so only five Months or so to choose from. He closed his eyes in anticipation as he walked through the door once again.

* * *

Pierre opened his eyes and was shocked to find himself back in his boyfriends flat. Instead of being in the living area, this time he found himself in the master bedroom. The Frenchman glanced over to the bed where he saw himself asleep cuddled up next to Charles, who had an arm wrapped around him. The duvet was covering only up to their waists revealing that both were shirtless- not that Pierre minded, it gave him a chance to see his boyfriend’s muscles. The whole scene was rather annoying actually, his boyfriend always told Pierre that he took up most of the space in the bed- to which he had always denied but now Pierre could see that Charles was actually right. Pierre did have a considerable amount of room on his side of the bed leaving Charles with very little space.

Charles started to moan slightly, and his body started moving ever so gently as if he was aware of Pierre resting head on his chest. The Monégasque eyes slowly opened and he rubbed them with his free hand to wipe the sleep away. Once he accomplished that, he gazed down at Pierre, a small smile appearing on his face as he gently moved his lover back over to his side of the bed before continuing in watching him in his sleep.

‘Does he creepily watch you sleep most mornings?’ The elder man asked

‘I didn’t know he watched me sleep full stop.’ Pierre commented as he watched Charles softly caress his cheek before kissing it gently and getting out of bed.

The Frenchman instantly remembered the moments before waking up that he often felt his cheek being caressed or his hair being stroked or something but after witnessing this, he realised it must have been his boyfriend in the real world doing those actions and them being shadowed in his dream. Trying to tactic the elder man told him about earlier, Pierre shut his eyes and thought about the moment Charles entered the room again. The Frenchman did not have the energy to stalk his boyfriend around the flat.

When he reopened his eyes, Pierre could hear the bedroom door opening again and he watched as Charles came in with a tray. It suddenly hit him what memory he was experiencing. This was at the start of the deterioration of their relationship. His interest in the memory suddenly peaked, overtaking the bliss that he previously felt.

‘Pierre.’ Charles whispered close to his eye before kissing his head, ‘Pierre.’

‘Hmmm. What?’

He blushed embarrassed; he wasn’t the most eloquently spoken person in the morning. He always took at least five minutes to properly wake up. The Frenchman sighed sadly as he watched Charles place small kisses all over his face, his past self, laughing in protest while trying to pull the duvet higher.

‘Wake up.’ Charles muttered in between two kisses after he successful grabbed the duvet off Pierre leaving the Frenchman exposed in just his bottoms from the night before.

‘Yes Mon chéri, I’m awake now.’

His past self turned and caressed the Monégasque cheek gently before pecking his lips. Pierre looked on still sadly at the loving contact that they once both shared. Nowadays, Pierre only got a quick morning kiss before Charles leapt out to use the shower.

‘Good.’ Charles responded and Pierre noticed how full of love his eyes were. The Ferrari driver turned and gently picked up the tray off the floor presenting it to past Pierre, who sat up confused.

‘What’s this?’ He asked Charles looking down at the tray, which consisted of two slices of toast, various pieces of fruit cut up into a bowl, a small pastry, and a small tub of yoghurt.

‘Breakfast…in bed…for you.’ The Monégasque explained and Pierre noticed that he sounded somewhat shy and embarrassed about his answer.

Past Pierre gleamed at Charles and took the tray off him, giving him yet another kiss as he did so. Pierre remembered how he only intended to give him a quick one due to the tray being balanced between both of their laps, but the Monégasque pushed the Frenchman’s head in further turning from quick and sweet to slow and lustful. He really did miss those moments.

Once Charles released his mouth, past Pierre set about picking up the bowl of fruit and grabbing a strawberry. He was munching happily when he felt a pair of lips touch the area of skin between his neck and shoulder. The lips moved in an upward direction and Pierre smiled softly at the moment.

‘Mon Coeur.’ Slighter younger Pierre exclaimed as Charles kissed along his neck then moved back down to move along his shoulder, ‘I’m going to make a mess.’

Charles moved his lips onto his boyfriends which Pierre reciprocated greedily, ‘So, we’ll just clear it up.’

Pierre laughed before the Monégasque kissed him again before giving his lover some space to eat his breakfast before looking over at him again and smiling.

‘Heart eyes.’

Pierre jumped as the elder man spoke. Once again, the Frenchman forgot about his existence.

‘What?’

‘Heart eyes. I learnt it from when Max was here. A companion of mine back then, she said that Max’s boyfriend gave him heart eyes. Yours does the same. Your boyfriend is giving you heart eyes.’

Pierre turned around looked at Charles, who in turn was watching past Pierre eat his breakfast. He could help but notice his companion was indeed right, Charles was looking at Pierre with an overly fond expression on his face. One that reminded the Frenchman of the earlier stages of their relationship. He continued observing and watched as Charles shuffled closer to Pierre, causing the latter’s attention to shift away from the breakfast.

‘You.’ Charles stated as he grabbed a slice of toast, munching on it loudly and placing an arm around Pierre’s waist, ‘Are the love of my life.’

Pierre watched his younger self blush heavily as his heart broke. Was he really the love of Charles’s life? Charles sounded sincere when he said it and Pierre had no reason to doubt when it was said.

‘I love you too.’

Charles looked at him with a jokily offended expression, ‘So I’m not the love of your life then?’

Pierre laughed putting down the bowl of fruit as he pulled his boyfriend in closer and rubbed a hand through his hair.

‘Of course, you are. There is no one else I would want.’

Charles pecked his lips again and Pierre's body slid backwards down the pillow so he was lying back down horizontal in the bed. A quick peck once again turned into a slow and lustful kiss as Charles manoeuvred himself so he was hovering above his boyfriend's body. The Frenchman was surprised, even now, that the tray didn't fall off his lap and onto the floor.

‘I’m gonna leave before this gets really awkward to watch.’ The elder man commented, turning around slightly his eyes firmly on Pierre.

Pierre sighed, remembering what happened next, ‘Don’t worry about it.’

The older man looked at the Alpha Tauri driver quizzically before returning to the scene at hand. The pair continued watching the couple make out on the bed before a buzzing overpowered the sound of kissing. Pierre remembered this particularly well as in this moment Charles’s phone vibrated.

Pierre watched sadly as the Ferrari driver pulled away from his lovers’ lips and reached across to his phone. The Frenchman looked at his own confused and slightly sad expression as Charles unlocked his phone then slowly climb off the bed.

‘It’s Lando. I said I’ll do a stream with the guys.’

_Talking about ruining the moment_

‘That’s like the 10th this week.’ He past self commented looking at Charles.

'Yeah but there are loads of new games out that we want to try. Give the fans content and all. Can't let Lando take all the fame with his solo streams.'

Past Pierre nodded and current Pierre remembered how upset his past self was at that state and was surprised that the emotion was not showing on his face, instead there was just emotionless. Charles must have felt guilty as he kissed Pierre again quickly and exited the room leaving his boyfriend with a tray of breakfast, sighing unhappily.

His past self-slipped out of bed and left the bedroom. Current Pierre quickly followed despite knowing what was going to happen. He watched himself take his breakfast off his tray and place it on the table. Pierre remembered how he had quickly lost his appetite following Charles’s quick departure, so his past self was picking at the food left on the tray very interested in it as he heard his boyfriend laugh joyful from one of the rooms.

He watched himself sigh sadly then leave the table making his way back to the bedroom, slamming the door as he did so. The Alpha Tauri driver couldn’t remember if he was crying behind the door or if he was just laying there staring into space. Probably staring into space, wondering what he did wrong. The crying only started very recently.

Pierre was dragged out of his thoughts by Charles coming out of his sim room carrying an empty water bottle. Pierre watched as he frowned at the breakfast on the table. The Monégasque walked over to it, picked up some of the fruit before frowning further. The Frenchman observed with further interest as his boyfriend turned his head and looked at the closed bedroom door. Dismissing the breakfast, Charles walked towards the door and opened it gently. Pierre followed feeling slightly like a stalker but dismissed the feeling as it wasn’t his fault he was in this situation.

When he entered the bedroom, he saw Charles loitering at the end of the bed. Pierre moved himself to get a better view. He stood next to Charles trying hard to ignore the odd feeling of standing next to his boyfriend but not standing next to his boyfriend. He looked at the bed and saw his past self was asleep and was hugging a pillow to his chest. The Monégasque quietly walked over to Pierre and touched his forehead with the back of his hand to check his temperature. He frowned slightly again when he realised it was normal. He shrugged and left the room, shutting the door gently and leaving Pierre and the Elder man standing there; one confused and one intrigued.

‘Was that normal for him?’ The elder man asked.

‘I ummm.’ Pierre responded sounding very unsure, ‘I don’t know. I mean I don’t remember him doing stuff like that.’

‘Interesting.’

Pierre decided to ignore the comment and question it later. Right now, he had more important things to deal with. He was more intrigued by the conversation that Charles would be having with the twitch currently. The Frenchman was aware there was a small chance it would actually be about him therefore give him no answers or insight into what Charles was thinking just now. On the other hand, Pierre would know what they talked about when they didn't stream live. He has never been interested in the conversations before but after everything that had happened to him, he realised this wasn't an opportunity to be missed.

He left the bedroom once again and made his way to Charles’s sim room, the elder man following behind- Pierre did check. He could hear the fans of the computer from the doorway and the clicking of the letters. The Frenchman entered the room and stood to the side of Charles, so he could see his boyfriend and his screens. There was silence in the room and Pierre felt very awkward standing there. Was this what a normal twitch session was like for them? Had Pierre been jealous over nothing? Actually, if they weren’t even talking, that was worse. Charles preferred silence over talking and hanging with Pierre.

‘I made Pierre breakfast this morning in bed.’

Pierre blinked at the statement. Charles sounded disappointed and the Frenchman found his heart aching at the tone.

‘Awww cute!’ Lando exclaimed sounding slightly distracted by what he was playing, ‘How did it go?’

Pierre saw his boyfriend shift uncomfortably in his gaming chair. He shifted his bandana before looking across at his game’s starting page.

‘He seemed really surprised and happy when I gave it to him but when I returned when I was setting up, he left it on the table, mostly uneaten.’

‘You sure it’s edible mate?’ George asked with a chuckle.

‘It’s perfectly edible. None of it was cooked.’

‘Maybe he’s just not hungry and had a bad night’s sleep.’

'Yeah, you always tell us how Pierre is not the most responsive in the mornings.'

‘Maybe. I don’t know. It wasn’t a bad night’s sleep. I woke him up in the same position he fell asleep in. Something’s definitely up with him.’

Pierre blinked taken aback by the comment. What did Charles mean? Was this the answer that Pierre had been looking for?

‘Maybe just give him some space?’

It was Lando who suggested it. A small ball of annoyance entwined itself inside Pierre’s stomach.

‘You can spend more time with us instead.’

Pierre wasn’t sure if he felt better or worse about his whole relationship now. He was right, Charles had been distant from him and did replace him with the quartet but not because he didn’t want Pierre. It was because he was scared of losing Pierre. A small ball of annoyance entwined itself inside Pierre’s stomach. He knew the Brit meant well but he couldn’t help but think that maybe the advice wasn’t purely for Pierre’s or even Charles’s own wellbeing.

‘Yeah, he could just be really stressed at the moment. You know what working under Helmut can do.’ Alex suggested adding his opinion into the conversation.

‘Yeah. I guess but how can I go from basically touching him every moment of the day to basically nothing.’

Pierre rolled his eyes as heard one of the rookies go eww over the touching him comment but was intrigued to hear their suggestions. Maybe he would be finally getting an explanation as to why Charles had been so distant and vacant in their relationship.

‘We’re not saying basically leave him alone. Maybe just…kiss him less, don’t overcrowd him and maybe sex as well?’

Pierre glared at Alex. So, he was responsible for the sudden diminish in his sex life.

The Frenchman felt annoyed as well. He couldn’t help but think that the 2019 rookies had interfered in his relationship just so they can play more games and record more content. Deep down Pierre knew that it wasn’t the case but he couldn’t help but notice how much the trio benefitted from Charles’s distancing from Pierre. Carlos was right. The advice was poor. When had Pierre ever shown any annoyance towards being cuddled, kissed or fucked frequently? Never. He had always received his boyfriend's affections well and vice versa. Pierre knew that Charles loved having his neck kissed softly in the evenings and he loved it when Pierre would wait outside his motorhome during races just so he could get a quick kiss before returning back to his duties. Why on earth did Charles think this advice was good?

‘I don’t know.’ Charles replied, ‘He just seems sad sometimes. Like when I come to get some water during our streams, I see him sitting on the sofa. The TV’s on but he’s not watching it, he’s playing with a pillow or something.’

‘Maybe he’s missing home?’ George suggested trying to be helpful again.

‘Missing home?’ Charles questioned then looked at the screen, ‘You think I asked Pierre to soon to move in with me?’

‘It’s hard to judge because Pierre still has his house in Milan. You’re live together but you live in different places depending on the time of the year. I mean I don't know what he would be upset about. He loves Monaco right?’

Pierre bit his lip as he looked down at the floor. It wasn’t that. He loved living with Charles. He loved waking up with him, working out with him, chilling with him. It upset him that Charles never came to him about these insecurities. They could have talked, gotten everything out. Pierre wouldn’t have been insecure over his relationship. He wouldn’t be here right now. He wouldn’t have stormed off and gotten in the stupid car that crashed.

‘Yeah. He does.’ Charles commented then sighed, ‘I don’t know guys. It’s just upsetting.’

'Well, do you have any reason to be worried?' Lando asked sounding somewhat distracted.

He saw Charles shift uncomfortably in his chair and Pierre looked on nervous. It didn’t take a mind reader to know what was going through his head. The self-harm incident still lingered slightly despite it being three years ago.

‘Don’t worry about it.’ The Monégasque muttered and Pierre closed his eyes in sadness.

Once again, Pierre felt himself being dragged back through the door into the white corridor this time- not the waiting room, which surprised the Alpha Tauri driver. Silence fell between the pair as the elder man let Pierre absorb everything that he had just witnessed. A thousand emotions flew through his body. One thing was obvious though, Charles had deliberately distanced himself from Pierre.

‘Why were you sad?’ The elder man asked sounding intrigued breaking Pierre out of his thoughts.

Pierre shrugged and looked over at his companion. He really didn't remember feeling or being that sad during that time, not to the extent Charles was stating. He remembered having off days where he doubted his talent in F1 and where he doubted other things like past choices and his current progress but he would quickly snap out of it or Charles would come and kiss him making everything better.

‘Just sometimes…’

The elder man looked at him quizzingly.

‘Just sometimes, I felt down you know? I just got sad sometimes. It was nothing to do with Charles and I didn’t think it was that obvious.’

‘Sometimes we get sad. Sometimes for no reason at all.’

'I didn't mean to worry him.' Pierre exclaimed, chewing on his thumb slightly, 'It's all my fault, isn't it? I was sad and I didn't talk to Charles and he stepped back thinking it was the right thing to do and I got even more upset…'

‘Stop.’ The elder man said raising his voice and looking at Pierre, ‘You need to calm down ok? People get sad sometimes. It happens to the best of us.’

The elder man walked to Pierre as he said that and grabbed his biceps tight trying to get the Alpha Tauri driver’s full attention.

'The issue here seems to be communication. Charles never asked you if you were ok and you never told him you were upset or how you felt. It's a common thing to happen between couples.'

Pierre nodded looking down at the ground. He thought back to earlier today or yesterday or whenever the race happened. He thought back to how he remembered Charles saying they were in sync with their thoughts.

_Guess he was wrong. Guess we were both wrong._

‘Charles never stopped loving and caring for you.’ The elder man stated clearly, ‘He wanted to do what was best for you.’

Pierre nodded tears threatening to fall down his face.

‘I need to go back.’

The elder man smiled at the comment and the Frenchman believed that was the first time he’d seen him smile. Pierre didn’t care at the moment. He needed to go back. How could he get everything so wrong? He didn’t know what he was going to do when he stepped back through the door. There was nothing he could do was there? He was in limbo. He just knew he needed to be there, in the waiting room. He needed to be close to Charles.

‘You’re not ready to go back just yet but when you are, I’ll help you.’

Pierre nodded as the elder man guided him back to the door. He stepped back through and found himself back in the waiting room of the hospital. The Frenchman noticed that someone else was with his friends and fellow drivers. Pierre recognised the navy scrubs from earlier, barely, and instantly realised that it must be one of his doctors with an update. Despite his hearing being perfect, Pierre took a few steps closer as he didn’t want to miss anything. This was it. This was when he was going to find out whether he would live or die.

The Frenchman scanned the room quickly. Carlos and Lando were still huddled together by the wall, their attention towards the doctor. Daniel and Max nearby also huddled together except the Australians arm was wrapped around his lover's waist, pulling him in tightly. Seb was still by Charles, his hand resting on his boyfriend's shoulder in a comforting manner. The Monégasque was no longer crying on the floor but instead standing up and wiping his tears away, his gaze towards the doctor. He stepped forward slightly.

‘Tell me straight please.’ He begged and its broke Pierre’s heart. How many times had Charles begged when it came to something to do with the Alpha Tauri driver now? More than he ever wanted, ‘Please…I just need to know everything.’

‘The good news was that there were no severe external injuries from the crash. No leg or anything which considering the cause was very good. However, there were some severe internal ones reported on the scene and later confirmed. Pierre sustained a head injury, more specifically a cerebral contusion. Further tests revealed a frail chest and a pneumothorax which the surgery is currently trying to fix.' The doctor explained her notes hugged tightly to her chest.

Pierre gapped like a goldfish before covering his mouth with his hand. He felt as if his legs had turned to jelly. He looked over at Charles, who was still looking at the doctor tears streaming down his face and hands gripping Seb’s arms.

‘I don’t know what any of that means.’ Charles stated voice shaking from the crying. Daniel let Max go and walked over to the pair. He knelt down on the other side of the Ferrari driver and gently placed his hand on his back providing further comfort for the information they were about to be given.

'A frail chest is when a few of the ribs have become detached from the rib cage, it can cause the thoracic wall or chest wall to displace. Normally this is simple to treat with good management however they seemed to have collapsed and caused a pneumothorax which is a collapsed lung. This has made treatment harder. The best way to treat this would be to place him on a ventilator for around 5 to 10 days to help his chest heal and return back to form.’

Charles sobbed harder and Pierre glanced around the room to see Max chewing nervously on his hoodie sleeve and Lando huddling into Carlos, his face hiding.

‘A cerebral contusion is bruising on the brain, sustain due to a blunt force hitting the head. We hope with the help of the ventilator, the bruising will decrease along with medication.’

‘He’s got good chances, right?’ Max asked, hoodie still loitering near his mouth, ‘I mean he’s got a good chance of coming out of the surgery and recovering.’

Before the doctor could reply, Charles got up shaking as he did so, unknowingly stormed past Pierre and out of the waiting room. Daniel quickly patted Max on the shoulder before leaving after him. The Frenchman looked at the hospital door then at the doctor. He had the opportunity to find out more about his current state and his chances of waking up and leaving this world. On the other hand, Charles was breaking fast and could barely keep himself together. The choice was obvious. Despite not being there physically, Pierre had to make sure Charles was going to calm down and had the support he needed. He turned to his companion.

‘Can I follow Charles? Am I allowed to leave the hospital?’

The elder man observed him carefully similar to what he did before, 'I don't know. No one I've known has ever left the hospital premises.'

‘I need to see that he’s ok. I need to know that he’s going to be with or without me.’

The elder man paused and turned. Instead of the identical doors that Pierre had been entering throughout his time in the world of the in-between, there were just normal hospital doors. His companion opened it and walked through with Pierre following swiftly. He continued following the man throughout various corridors, passing various nurses, patients, visitors- all of whom couldn't see him- until he could see daylight gleaming through a glass door. The man stopped and turned back round to Pierre.

‘This is the main entrance.’ He stated arms crossed and eyes pointed, ‘I honestly do not know what will happen if you pass through there. You may be fine, or you may fade.’

‘Fade?’ Pierre asked remembering how he saw faded people when he first arrived.

‘When people are dying, and they have no hope of returning to the world of the living; they fade. It’s like when they’re on life support and the other half is deciding whether to pull the plug or not.’

He nodded acknowledging the answer. Pierre was literally at death's door. He could see the outside world rushing by without a care, not pausing once. The Frenchman opened the door and stood at the edge of the hospital. He took a deep breath, hoped it wouldn’t be the last one and took another step, this time out of the building. He made his way towards Charles and Daniel, who were located away from the main door and near the ambulance bay. The further away he got from the door, the weaker he felt. He could hear his heartbeat thumping in his ears as if his own body was screaming at him to return to the hospital.

‘Pierre!’ The elder man shouted, ‘Pierre! You’re fading.’

The Frenchman ignored him and continued walking despite his slow pace. He needed to get to Charles. He needed to see that the Monégasque would be looked after during this time. A pain stabbed his heart causing the driver to falter slightly but he powered on, nonetheless. The heartbeat echoing in his ears faded slightly and was replaced with voices.

_‘Heart rate decreasing’_

He got closer and he could just about hear the conversation his lover and the fellow McLaren driver were having.

‘I should have stopped him. I should have grabbed his arm and apologised.’ Charles exclaimed face in hands slumped on a bench. Daniel was sat next to him, hand rubbing his back in a comforting manner. Pierre ignored every resisting nerve in his body, he needed to hear this conversation.

_‘He’s becoming unstable.’_

‘Pierre!’ The elder man shouted, ‘You need to come back!’

The Frenchman took a step closer to his boyfriend and Daniel until he was standing in front of them. His breathing had become heavier and Pierre used all of his strength not to collapse on the spot.

‘You didn’t know this was going to happen.’ The Australian responded turning himself so he could look at Charles, ‘Pierre’s strong, he’s going to get through this. He’s going to wake up and he’ll recover.’

Pierre wanted to nod. He wanted to agree but right now it was hard mustering any energy to move his body. It was all being used to stand there observing.

_‘He’s flatlined.’_

‘But what if he doesn’t? What if his injuries are too excessive?’

_‘Charge 150…Clear.’_

Pierre felt a jolt and his body shook spontaneously. He kept looking at Charles, taking in his features, his hair, his eyes, the shape of his mouth. He wanted to remember everything.

_‘Nothing…Charge 200…Clear.’_

He jolted again.

‘Pierre!’ The elder man shouted again. There was panic in his voice, something Pierre had never heard from him since their short time together. Pierre ignored him and continued to listen to the conversation that was happening in front of him.

'I can't lose him, Daniel, I can't.'

‘Pierre!’

The Alpha Tauri driver felt his head spin and his eyesight got blurry. His legs turned to jelly causing him to fall slowly on the floor. The voices of his doctors were still ringing in his ears as they panicked to get his heart working again. The Frenchman’s breathing had gotten heavy and raspier, every breath became harder and he was sure that soon he wouldn’t be able to breathe any longer. He could make out the outlines of Charles and Daniel in front of him just before he felt his eyes close. The constant echoing of the flatline overtook the voices of the doctors and Pierre was met with darkness yet again.

* * *

Pierre woke up with a sharp in hail in breath. His eyes opened slowly, and he tried to blink the tiredness away. His eyes focused on the ceiling staring back at him. One thing was for certain, he wasn’t in the bright white room anymore. His surroundings were dark and damp. He could drips of water in the distance or where they nearby? Was his new surrounding echoing? Moaning in slight pain as he did so, Pierre stood up shakily and looked around.

His eyes widened in shocked and surprise as he realised that he was in a tunnel. It reminded the Frenchman of one from a cartoon; black smooth walls, barely lit. Pierre turned around trying to figure out if there was a way out. Maybe this was just a different part of the limbo area? Maybe he just needed to find a door? Maybe he could still find a way home to Charles? He really hoped he could.

Pierre took a 90 degree turn and he instantly covered his eyes with his hand. A blinding white light was glowing at the one of the ends of the tunnel, illuminating the dark walls surrounding it. He took a step closer and the light got brighter. Maybe this really was the end of him? Maybe he really did consolidate his fate when he stepped outside of the hospital? Should he move closer to the light? Weren’t that what people supposedly did when they were dying.

He took another step further, a small one, still unsure of what to do.

‘When I told you to prove them wrong, I wasn’t just talking about Red Bull you know? I was talking about everyone, including doctors. Anyone who stood in your way really.’

Pierre froze on the stop. He thought he was paralysed earlier when he saw Charles in the waiting room but that was nothing compared to what he was feeling now. He took a shaky breath and gulped down in shock. It had been so long since he had heard that voice. So long.

He turned around again, this time 180 degrees and gasped as he saw the person standing in front of him. It felt like only yesterday they had parted ways hugging. He felt like only yesterday Pierre had called asking about his day. He felt like only yesterday when his parents told him the news. Tears were streaming down his face distorting his vision, but he could still make out every single feature on this person as if the room was as bright as day.

Pierre sobbed, bringing the back of his hand to his mouth to stop himself from sobbing further. The person smiled back, the same smile that Pierre saw in his dreams, in his memories, in his photos.

‘Anthoine.’


	4. Holding onto the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After some wise advice from an old friend, Pierre finds himself experiencing his future. Will it persuade him to go back to the present or stay in the world of the in-between?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again,  
> Sorry for the delay. I've just been busy with uni work.  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter and it's worth the wait!

Anthoine stood there smiling at Pierre, who was frozen on the spot. The Frenchman felt his heart pounding and he was very sure he was about to faint. The F2 driver just stood there smiling at him as if seeing Pierre was something he had only done yesterday. With a shaky sob, Pierre fled over to his friend and hugged him tightly, tears no doubt dampening his friend's t-shirt.

‘I’ve missed you so much.’ Pierre sobbed his head still smothered into Anthoine shoulder.

‘I’ve missed you to mon ami.’

Pierre cried louder as Anthoine tried to soothe him but it only caused the Alpha Tauri driver to hold on tighter. He wasn’t going to let his friend go- not again. He wasn’t going to lose him for a second time.

‘Your thoughts are very loud Pierre.’ He said laughing slightly, still rubbing Pierre’s back, ‘Charles has rubbed off on you. You’ve become very dramatic.’

‘How are you here?’ Pierre replied wiping his eyes and laughing with his friend.

Anthoine smile faltered but he still tried to look positive for the Alpha Tauri’s driver sake. The pit of worry developed in Pierre’s stomach as he immediately noticed the change in his friend’s demeanour. His smile also slightly faltered and he braced himself for the news.

‘You’re dying, that’s how.’

Pierre looked at his friend confused. Wasn’t he dying before? He remembered how the elder man said something about fading but surely leaving the hospital wouldn’t result in instant death considering they had been visiting various locations in Pierre’s memories. If so then the rules of the world of the in-between were illogically and shit.

‘I’ve been dying the whole time I’ve been here why’s now any different?’

Anthoine shook his head, ‘Not like this. Before you were slowly deteriorating but now…you’ve deteriorated and the doctors are trying their hardest to bring you back.’

‘But they’re going to bring me back right?’

Anthoine stared at Pierre and sighed sadly. He grabbed his friend's hand and squeezed it tight as if he wanted to brace the other the best way he could.

‘I don’t know. No one knows. I didn’t know when I was here.’

‘Did it hurt? Dying- not the crash. I haven’t felt any pain so far but I don’t know if that’s because I’ve been in limbo.’

Anthoine shook his head and smiled softly, ‘It was peaceful. I was sleeping and then I woke up.’

‘Woke up where?’

Anthoine smiled again but this time with a glimmer of laughter, ‘That would be telling.’

Pierre nodded a small smile appearing on his face. The pair fell into content silence, the Alpha Tauri driver trying to think of what to tell his friend, there was so much to choose from but time could be limited. He didn’t want to waste his time by telling Anthoine stupid, irrelevant details. The latter tilted his friend at his friend and chuckled. He seemed aware of his friend's inner turmoil and chuckled again- that was all Anthoine seemed to be doing since Pierre had found him. It was as if he was keeping a secret from Pierre.

‘What?’ The Frenchman asked, ‘What are you chuckling at?’

‘So you and Charles.’ Anthoine said smiling at Pierre, ‘You guys actually got your shit together and started dating. I’m surprised that’s all. Thought it would take a bit longer.’

Pierre shrugged sheepishly and grinned, 'Yeah I guess we did. We had a bit of a wake-up call and Charles admitted he liked me.'

‘I saw.’

Pierre looked over at him confused once again and Anthoine chuckled again. It was nice to see his friend happy at least.

‘I check in sometimes. See how my friends are doing. What I’m missing. You don’t have to worry about telling me stuff Pierre because I only know the important details.’

Pierre sniffed, tears threatening to fall once again. Anthoine had been there during his worst and best moments. Every time the Alpha Tauri driver felt alone, he wasn’t. Not really because Anthoine had been there the whole time. Pierre sometimes felt another presence in the room when he was alone but always shook it off as being mad and superstitious. He wasn’t. Anthoine had been there and deep down Pierre always hoped that he had been.

‘Anyway enough about all that! We never established what happened to you? Why are you here?’

Pierre sighed, slightly scared about what he was going to tell his friend. How do you tell your friend who had died due to a tragic F1 crash that you two were also dying due to a car crash? Would Anthoine be disappointed in him that he didn't take his accident seriously? Would he be under the impression that Pierre was blasé about his own health? No. He wouldn't be. He just said he checked in from time to time. He would see how much his death affected the Alpha Tauri Driver.

‘I was in a car accident. I don’t know what happened exactly but I think a car crashed into ours. It must have been bad, I heard they had to cut me out of the car to get me to hospital… and I have… Ummm something wrong with my brain- bruising I think- and a flail chest and a pneumothorax.’

‘Christ Pierre. How?’

‘I wasn’t wearing my seat belt. I imagine that didn’t help.’

Pierre looked over timidly as Anthoine looked shocked. The Frenchman really hoped that his friend wouldn’t give him a disappointed look.

‘Why on earth weren’t you wearing a seat belt! Pierre!’ He exclaimed as he punched his friend in the shoulder lightly, ‘You of all people!’

‘Would you believe me if I told you I was reaching for my drink?’

‘Pierre! What about your family, your friends, Charles?’

Pierre shrugged and wrapped his arms around himself. He looked to the ground as if he was ashamed. He could see Anthoine’s feet in his peripherical vision and watched as they walked ever so slightly closer to him.

‘What’s been going on Mon Frere?'

Pierre shrugged yet again, ‘I just feel second best all the time, like all the time. Red Bull … Charles…’

‘Pierre.’ Anthoine said sympathetically interrupting Pierre, ‘You’re not second best. You’ve worked hard to get where you and you bounced back. Monza 2020 remember? You’ve more than proven you belong in F1.’

‘I know…I know I have…but what if I get another shot at Red Bull? What if I get the chance to drive a top car and Charles ends up being right?’

‘Charles?’

‘We’ve not been great recently. It turns out there was a lot of miscommunication between us and it all got out of hand…he said that everyone knows that I’m not cut out for a top car.’

Anthoine hummed, raised his eyebrows and placed his thumb over his lips, ‘I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Were you two fighting right? That’s what you were implying?’

'Yeah, we were. It was ugly and stupid. Really stupid.’

‘Couples fight…’

‘Yeah but not all couples fight then have a car crash leaving them dead.’ Pierre exclaimed breathing deeply as if to calm himself down, ‘He’s going to blame himself so much. He deliberately gave me space, a lot of space from himself because he thought it was the right thing to do. He thought I was unhappy because I was being suffocated by him. Urgh…this is all a mess Anthoine and I can’t fix it.’

The Frenchman burst into tears again, sobbing against his hand. The situation felt hopeless. Pierre hated leaving unfinished business and he had a tonne with Charles, especially considering what he had discovered during his trip. Anthoine touched his shoulder, causing him to look at his friend.

'You can fix this. Fight to go home, Pierre. Fight to get back. You’re not done yet. I know you’re not. You’ve got so much to come, so much to experience.’

‘How do I do that now? I do I go home? I’ve flatlined. It’s not in my control anymore.’

It was as if it all hit him. This was the end. He may not go back this time. He pushed himself to the limit and it didn’t pay off. Christ, it was never going to see any of his friends again was he or his family. Would he even be able to rest if he did die? Would he live on for eternity with guilt racing through his body about how things ended with Charles?

‘You’re an F1 driver. You’re always in control.’

Pierre smirked despite being in a sombre mood but then crossed his arms and rubbed his hands up his bicep. He looked down at the ground and sighed.

‘It hasn’t felt like it.’

‘I know.’

‘What do I do Anthoine?’ Pierre asked looking at his friend fear written all over his face, ‘How can I get back to everyone?’

Anthoine smiled sadly at him and took a step closer to his best friend. He gently placed a hand on his bicep and took a deep breath, ‘Hold on tight and don’t let go. You grab and don’t let anything slip away, not one piece. But most importantly you keep breathing. Don’t stop. As long as you keep breathing nothing can stop you.’

Pierre nodded but there was still an aura of sadness around him. It all seemed simple really, but the Frenchman knew better. It was harder to keep breathing when your chest was constricted with emotions especially doubt.

‘You and Charles will work things out. You’re soulmates.’

Pierre laughed despite looking frightened only moments ago, ‘Soulmates? Really Anthoine?’

‘Yeah. You two were made for each other. I know you’ll work it out. You have to.’

‘But what if he doesn’t want me?’ A slither of insecurity entered Pierre’s voice. He knew it was a stupid thing to say considering everything he had witnessed, ‘What if this whole miscommunication thing happens again and we finish for real?’

Anthoine shrugged, ‘The future is always uncertain…but I know you two and I know that you will both fight for each other, no matter what.’

‘I really hope so.’

‘Me too.’

The light got brighter suddenly causing Pierre to block it with his hands to save his vision. It illuminated the murky walls and dirty floor. He felt an impulse to walk towards it but his head told him otherwise- not only that Anthoine’s hand was placed firmly on his bicep preventing him from moving. Pierre turned to look at his friend who smiled at Pierre then looked towards the light. He looked back at Pierre, hummed and then looked at the ground and bit his lip as if he was unsure. Pierre closed his eyes and took a deep breath readying himself.

‘You’ve got to go haven’t you?’

Anthoine nodded as Pierre stared then grabbed him. The Alpha Tauri driver hugged him tightly, a few tears running down his face. It was somehow harder to say goodbye to him again. There was no hope that he would come back. There was no one saying ‘I’m sure Anthoine will pull threw.’ Pierre knew that this would be the last time. With a shaky breath, he let go of his friend and took a step back.

‘You really think I can do this? You really think I can go back? You really think me and Charles will be ok?’

Anthoine nodded, ‘I do.’

Pierre sobbed again, tears streaming down his face, ‘I don’t know what I’m going to do without you again.’

Anthoine leant forward and placed his hand gently on Pierre’s shoulder. He moved his face so his mouth to see it was next to the Frenchman’s ear.

‘Prove them wrong Pierre.’

The Frenchman smiled as Anthoine reached for then rubbed Pierre’s cheek clean of tears and the latter took another shaky breathe before the F2 driver smiled back and walked slowly back towards the light until he slowly became a shadow. The white light faded and Pierre was left alone.

His breathing echoed throughout the tunnel and the Frenchman had no idea what to do next. He slowly walked away from the end that the light shone and Pierre internally hoped that maybe he would find his way back to the world of the in-between. He followed Anthoine’s advice and kept breathing. If he kept breathing then he would technically still be living. Well, he hoped, again, who knew the rules? The Alpha Tauri driver kept walking until he came across a door. He smiled as he recognised it as one from the in-between world. Pierre ran to it, relief running through his veins. He could go back to limbo. He has a chance to go home. It wasn't over.

Pierre pushed down on the handle and let the light consume him.

* * *

He opened his eyes again slowly expecting to see white everywhere and his companion standing nearby. However, when his eyes refocused, he found himself in a bedroom. It wasn’t his nor was it Charles so was the fuck was he exactly? Surely dying people don’t turn up in random people’s bedrooms, right? He looked around the room trying to find any clues, obvious or subtle to where he may be but all he could find was discarded clothes on the floor and various pieces of furniture- no wardrobe though- which matched very nicely with the décor of the room.

_At least this person has taste._

He pulled off the duvet and swung his legs off the side of the bed until they reached the soft carpet. Shakily, he stood up, realised that he at least had pyjama bottoms on, and made his way over to the window. Pierre pulled the curtains open and shut his eyes as they became sensitive to the light. Rubbing then blinking, he let them refocus so he could see outside. Maybe that would tell him where he was. He really hoped it was someone recognisable and central. The last thing he needed was to find himself somewhere rural with no hope of seeing any lifeforms.

Upon examination, Pierre sighed as he didn’t recognise where he was and it did appear he was in the middle of nowhere. Whoever owned this house had a very large garden, very nicely kept with various play equipment in it.

_So whoever is he once had or has children. At least there's a chance they'll be friendly_

He looked further and tilted his head slightly to see a decking with a glass table and wicker chairs located in the centre. A BBQ could be seen in the corner and various plants were planted ever so neatly against the fence along the side of the decking. Pierre looked beyond the decking then the garden and saw nothing but trees and an unfamiliar landscape. Sighing, he turned around a rested against the windowsill.

The sunlight caught something on his hand, almost blinding him. Pierre removed himself from the window into a more shaded area of the room whereupon inspection he discovered that a gold ring had been added to his collection of rings he frequently wore. Not only that, the said gold ring was currently on his wedding finger. A pit of realisation followed by worry circulated around the Frenchman's stomach. Where was he and most importantly, who was he married to?

Pierre looked back and realised that his phone was on the bedside table, he rushed back over to grab it and sighed a breath of relief when he realised it had full battery. At least now he could call for help. Before he did, his eyes were instantly drawn to the screensaver and it hit Pierre that he hadn’t looked in the mirror this morning. Why would he? Because if he did, he would have realised he was no longer his youthful mid 20s self but instead mid to late 30s.

_What is going on?_

He looked at the photo again and saw that he or his older self had his arms wrapped around someone. Charles. A flicker of hope and reassurance cast itself throughout the Frenchman’s body as he realised that wherever he was, he was still with Charles. An older, very hot looking Charles. Was he married to Charles? Was this some dream he could live out before he died for real?

The next thing he realised what the date on the phone, 18 July 2035.

_What the fuck?_

Had he time travelled? Why has he time travelled? Do dying people time travel normally?

Pierre took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. Gripping his phone tightly, Pierre left the bedroom, shutting the door quietly and looked out towards the landing where he found various doors, all shut. Slowly, he turned left and tried to navigate his way around passing various plants and weird pieces of art hanging on the wall. Eventually, he did come to a staircase which hopefully led downstairs and to the nearest available exit. He also noted that he had yet to bump into Charles assuming he was here as well. If not, then this really was beginning to look like a hostage situation.

Pierre walked down the unfamiliar stairs very slowly. He stopped at the last step and looked around. He found himself in the hallway of the house, he titled his head left and found a very modern living area filled with black sofas and a huge TV hanging on the wall. The Frenchman jumped off the step and look right where he heard the crashing and banging coming from. He couldn’t see a room, only a slightly ajar door. He crept towards it and slowly pushed it open to reveal a dining table- glass with black seats. He walked further into the room where he then found himself in the kitchen. A loud bang scared him slightly and he glanced around in a panic only to find Charles serving up some delicious looking pancakes, looking far better than how he normally makes them.

‘Mon Coeur.’ Charles exclaimed once he saw Pierre. The Frenchman froze on the spot as the Ferrari driver walked over and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. His boyfriend’s smile faltered as he saw how unsure Pierre was looking, ‘You ok?’

Pierre tried to speak but couldn’t. It was as if something clicked about how weird this really was. Why was Charles cooking in this kitchen? Where even were they?

‘Pierre?’

Realising his silence was scaring his boyfriend, he took a deep breath and tried his best to smile. 

‘What is this?’ He asked holding up his hand moving his wedding finger. Maybe it wasn't a wedding ring at all, maybe it was just another ring given to him by the world of the in-between as a thank you for visiting the present. Though why would give him a ring and not a card?

Charles laughed kissing Pierre, his hands on either side of his face, 'You're funny today. You haven't got amnesia right? I know you did bang your head slightly hard against the bed rest.’

Pierre tried to speak yet again but couldn’t. There was a lot of information to digest just from what Charles had just said. Why would he have amnesia? How did he bang his head against the bed rest…oh.

_At least here me and Charles seem to have an active sex life._

Realising he had yet to say something, Pierre smiled and titled his head so it was resting against his boyfriends, ‘No. My head feels fine. Just joking around.’

‘Good.’ Charles responded smiling, ‘Don’t tell me after 11 years of marriage you’ve changed your mind.’

_Marriage? Huh. Right so. Definitely a dream._

Pierre kept looking at his ring before he glanced up and saw Charles’s face go from happy to worried. He smiled again bumping his lovers head causing him to chuckle quietly before receiving a kiss on the cheek.

‘Of course not. I would be an idiot to divorce you.’

He kissed Charles again and wrapped his arms around his waist. He sighed contently and enjoyed having the Monégasque in his arms once again. It had felt an age since Charles properly held him. Of course, he normally wrapped his arms around Pierre in his sleep but that didn’t really count as he always fell asleep quickly so never gained the full experience. 

Pierre took the silence to glance around the kitchen taking in the scene. He smirked when he saw a very modern Italian coffee machine. Of course, Charles couldn’t survive without his coffee. His thoughts were interrupted when he heard footsteps thundering on the ceiling above then down the stairs. Charles gave a sigh but smiled, his forehead now resting against Pierre’s while the Frenchman tried to hide how scared he was. What the fuck was making that much noise? It sounded as if the ceiling was about to collapse. Why was Charles so calm?

The kitchen door banged open hitting the wall as he did so causing Pierre to grimace. Hopefully, the wall wasn't too damaged. Two small children ran towards the breakfast bar, gasping as they saw the pancaked laid out on it. The first one who sat down was a little girl with raven black hair, similar to Charles's. She smiled down at her plate, showing her missing front teeth but looking cute and innocent, nonetheless. She even had the Monégasque’s eyes if he looked closely enough. The second was a boy with light brown, very messy hair but bright blue eyes. He looked younger than the girl, his teeth hadn’t fallen out yet and he was clumsy picking up pancakes from the plate in the middle. Both were wearing miniature Ferrari t-shirts.

‘Papa! You said we wouldn’t have time for breakfast yesterday!’

‘Pancakes! Yes!’

A third child came through the doorway. She looked like the eldest looking and was slightly less energetic than the other two children who have run into the kitchen. She took had brunette hair, down past her shoulders but blue eyes that could rival the sea surrounding the Maldives. She was also currently wrapped in a white fluffy dressing gown with white slippers to match and purple pyjama bottoms only just visible. Pierre noticed that one of her hands was hidden behind her back as if it was hiding something or at the very least holding something. She walked closer to Pierre and gave him a quick one-handed hug.

‘Hi papa. I brought Thomas because I could hear him fussing.’

Pierre really hated being in this lost state, who the hell were all these people? Why did she call him Papa? Unless…no…wait? Oh God. 

_Are these my kids?_

The girl moved to show a toddler, again with gorgeous raven black hair and chocolate brown eyes standing confidently in the cutest onesie that the Frenchman had ever seen. Said toddler looked up from the blanket he was chewing and saw Pierre. His eyes widened and the small child deserted the blanket on the tiled floor and crashed into his legs. Pierre picked him up and held him close like he’s seen his own siblings do with their children. The boy seemed content as he rested his head against Pierre’s chest.

The Frenchman then turned around to see Charles sitting at one end of the breakfast bar, also helping himself to pancakes and giving himself a generous serving of maple syrup. Pierre slid into the empty stall at the other end. He made sure the toddler was secure on his lap before he reached over and grabbed a pancake himself, still very confused about what was happening and who all these children were. Everyone seemed happy including Charles, so he presumed that the hostage theory was not true.

‘Why was Tommy crying so much last night?’ His youngest daughter asked grabbing another pancake and squeezing a dangerous amount of chocolate spread on it, ‘He kept waking me up.’

‘I know baby girl.’ Charles commented kissing his daughters head as he got up to grab some orange juice out of the fridge and a pot of food. He went over to one of the many draws and picked out a plastic child’s spoon. He gave the food and the spoon to Pierre while kissing his and his youngest son’s head, ‘I think he was just having a difficult night.’

'I didn't get much sleep and I'm still so tired.' The girl exclaimed again with a dramatic flair that reminded Pierre so much of Charles, he smirked slightly, 'I'm so going to fall asleep during the race.'

_Race?_

'Well then maybe we'll actually hear the commentators and not you talking all the time.' His eldest commented with such maturity. She couldn't have been much older than nine if that.

This youngest daughter glared at her sister while chewing on her bit of pancake, ‘Well maybe you would if you didn’t cheer every time a driver turns a corner Esmé.’

_Tommy and Esmé, ok two down…_

'Can I take my toy with me?' His son asked, half a pancake still on his plate which the boy seemed to have no intention of eating. His question seemed to quieten the girls down.

‘Which one?’ Charles asked and Pierre hoped he didn’t seem to quiet over breakfast but then again, he was feeding his other son- rather successfully so hopefully Charles thought he might be pre-occupied.

‘The drawy one.’

‘Fine.’

‘That’s not fair. Why does Gabriel get a toy and we don’t? His youngest daughter asked complaining again.

‘I thought you like watching the races?’

‘I do but…still not fair.’

‘Raquel, you would bring that stupid loud game which everybody hates.’ Esmé stated pushing her plate away slightly and crossing her arms on the table.

‘Esmé.’ Charles warned before turning his attention to his Raquel, ‘Gabriel is bringing something he can quietly do in the corner and it’s productive.’

Pierre couldn’t help but notice she didn’t look convinced with the answer but decided not to argue further. He eyed his three children and observed them. The Frenchman couldn’t help but think how natural it felt sitting here with them all eating breakfast and having small arguments. Their youngest son had finished eating and was busy making patterns on the table in front of him.

‘Papa!’

Pierre blinked and adverted his attention to his eldest son who was looking at him, eyes wide and questioning. He glanced over at Charles who had an eyebrow raised and a smirk on his face. Evidently, he had been zoned out for some time.

'Yes, Gabriel?' He said the words not sounding foreign on his tongue.

‘Will you help me draw while daddy watches the race like Uncle Maxy does with Kayden.’

Shoving aside the Uncle Maxy comment, for the time being, Pierre slowly nodded his head unsure of how to act and given the smirk on Charles’s face, it appeared his dear husband may have thrown him in the deep end but of what, Pierre was unsure.

‘Thank you, papa.’ The boy thanked happily grinning ear to ear.

‘No worries mon petit artiste.’

_Where had that come from?_

‘Come on, we better clear up otherwise we will be late.’ Charles stated standing up and picking up the plates nearest to him and carrying them over to the sink. Thomas started squirming on Pierre’s lap until the Monégasque came over and stroked his face gently instantly settling the toddler.

‘Love you.’ Charles stated as he adverted his attention from Thomas to Pierre and leant in closer pressing his lips and pulling him in tighter.

‘Ewww!’

‘Gross’

‘Disgusting!’

Pierre laughed along with Charles; his arm wrapped around the Monégasque’s waist.

‘Are mes petits anges all embarrassed?’ Charles exclaimed happily as he let go of Pierre and hugged each and every one of their children, kissing their cheek noisily as he did so.

‘Ewww dad!’

‘Papa?’ Raquel asked looking at Pierre once she had rubbed her cheek of Charles’s kiss, ‘Why do you have a bruise on your neck?’

Pierre's hand instinctively went up to feel his neck trying to find the bruise. He saw Charles chuckling in the corner of his eye and Pierre got his phone and placed his camera on. He gasped when he saw that it wasn't a bruise at all but a love bite. He looked over at Charles who was just smirking now before looking back at his phone. How long was it since he last had a love bite? Charles used to be obsessed with his neck before the deterioration of their relationship and he would often have to strategically cover them up during racing weekends. Nowadays, he was lucky if Charles kissed him for longer than five seconds.

‘Ummm.’

‘Right, you have an hour to get ready before we head to Monza.’ Charles ordered laughing after he kissed Pierre on the cheek and winking at him, ‘First one down gets choice of music.’

The three children pushed their chairs back causing them to screech across the floor and rushed up the stairs. Pierre winced slightly at the sound and held the toddler against him tighter. Their footsteps thundered back up the stairs and a couple of doors slammed shut. The ceiling shook slightly.

‘You good getting Thomas ready or shall I do it?’ Charles asked standing next to and giving their sons back a quick stroke breaking Pierre out of his focus.

‘I can do it.’ Pierre said even know he had no idea where his son’s bedroom was, ‘He’s being very grizzly today.’

Charles pecked him one last time before leaving the kitchen himself. The Frenchman looked at his son, chewing on the blanket contently. Pierre gently placed his nose on his son's forehead inhaling his scent. He stayed there for a minute or so, letting everything that had happened over the last fifteen minutes or so with Charles and the children, to absorb the information. He took a deep breath before leaving the kitchen. It would set a very bad example if he was the last one to get ready.

* * *

As it turns out, getting four children to leave the house seemed far harder work than getting a career in F1. Pierre fortunately was second down, only beaten by Esmé, who was stood looking at the mirror making sure her outfit looked smart. He couldn’t see her wearing any F1 team merch leading to questions about which teams he and Charles both retired with.

‘So what music we having then?’ Pierre asked helping his eldest tighten her sparkly bracelet so it wouldn’t fall off during the day.

‘Hmmm, I don’t know. I’m deciding between English pop or Spanish.’

Pierre chuckled rubbing the top of her arm lovingly before he heard another one of his kids thundering down the stairs.

‘No fair. Essie is twice my age.’ Gabriel stated sulking, his arms crossed, ‘She always gets to pick the music.’

‘That’s because I’m always first.’

'Well, daddy or papa have to help me get ready.'

He could already see the tears threatening to fall in his son's eyes and quite frankly it scared him. He didn’t want to see any of his children cry- dreamworld or real. Pierre knelt down, softly wiped the tears away and pulled his son into a hug.

‘Maybe if we ask nicely, Esmé will let you pick a song.’ He stated turning his head to look at his eldest, who muttered ‘fine’ under her breath.

Gabriel released himself from the hug and went to find his shoes.

‘No F1 merch?’ Pierre asked.

Both of his children turned to look at him weirdly and the Frenchman wondered what he had said wrong.

‘You said we couldn’t because it would always end in a fight with Benny and Kayden.’

Before Pierre could ask any more questions, as he remembered Kayden being mentioned earlier, he heard, hopefully, his missing child stomping her way down the stairs and groaning as she discovered she was the last.

‘I hate Essie’s music. It hurts my ears.’

‘Hey! Gabriel could have won.’

‘No, he didn't. He needs papa or daddy's help to get dressed still.'

‘Girls please.’ Pierre stated firmly, wondering why his two daughters were not getting on today, ‘No more arguments.’

‘Fine.’ His eldest agreed.

‘Ok but I’ve got a headache so no loud music please?’

Esmé nodded understandingly though she seemed exasperated that she had to let Gabriel choose a song and now not have it as loud because of Raquel.

‘See, I knew you two would get on. Right, let’s go to the car. Daddy can meet us out there.’

The four of them left the house and Pierre watched as the two youngest present ran towards the grey family-sized car and started pulling on the doorhandle despite the fact the Frenchman hadn’t even unlocked the door yet.

‘Where’s Snowy?’

‘Snowy?’ Pierre questioned back slightly worried, his son refusing to get into the car. Who the fuck was Snowy? Christ, they didn’t have a cat, did they? The Frenchman hadn't seen obvious signs that they owned any pets.

‘Snowy!’ Gabriel demanded again sounding slightly distressed this time and Pierre watched as Charles haltered in the doorway, rolled his eyes, placed Thomas down on the ground whispered something into his ear and went back inside the house. Thomas started waddling towards Pierre then ran the last small section crashing yet again into his papa’s legs. Pierre picked him up and strapped him in before Charles came back, standing next to the former and passing something to their eldest son.

‘Here mon petit Monstre.’ Pierre observed Charles handing their son the toy, who snatched it away and held it tight to his chest before running off to the car. The Frenchman smirked slightly as he realised his son was holding a Panda soft toy.

'Is that all of them?'

As soon as the words had left the Monégasque’s mouth, Esmé ran past them both shouting something incoherent with Raquel shouting something from the car. She returned a mere minute later carrying a travel-sized game in her hand. She quickly got back into the car and slammed the car door shut.

‘Can we finally go?’ Charles asked all their children as the pair entered the car.

The four kids nodded as Pierre shut his car door.

The car ride was mostly uneventful, which Pierre was glad about. Of course, his family would be high on the drama- any family would if Charles was involved- but sometimes it was nice just to sit in silence and not have to talk. Ironic considering that his 2022 relationship with Charles deteriorated due to lack of talking.

The music was on low due to Raquel’s request but the mix of English and Spanish music was still present in the car. Pierre used the time to swipe through the photos on his phone, which mostly consisted of photos of their children on various holidays, race tracks and family moments. He threaded his hand with Charles’s, who had rested his hand on Pierre’s thigh at the start of the journey, and looked up in the rear mirror to look at all his children. Esmé was busy looking out of the window, bopping her head to the quiet music, Raquel was asleep along with Thomas and Gabriel was busy drawing on his easy sketch-like toy talking to his parents.

‘And they have an extended wrist bone to help them eat!’

‘Hmm hmm.' He heard Charles reply, seemingly not listening to the conversation which was quickly observed by Gabriel, who was the one currently talking.

‘You’re not even listening are you daddy?’

Pierre glanced up at the mirror to see his son pouting extremely similarly to Charles which stroke fear but also pride into his heart.

‘Huh? I’m listening …’

‘Doesn’t seem like it.’

Gabriel’s tone of voice almost made Pierre chuckle out loud. It reminded him of a very young Charles whenever he didn't get his way with his own parents.

'I am...promise.'

'Ok, and they spend 10-16 hours eating bamboo a day!

Panda facts. Of course. Pierre smiled to himself. His love of Pandas did rub off on his son then. It wasn’t just some superficial like being obsessed over the latest trendy toy. The Frenchman decided to tune in in case he was caught out for not paying attention next. He didn’t personally want to upset the son he barely knew.

‘When his papa buying the zoo?’

‘Buying the zoo?’ Charles asked back with heavy confusion entwined in his voice. Pierre looked up in the mirror again, trying to see if his son was serious or if it was a threw away comment.

'For the pandas, so we can look after them!'

Pierre tried not to look terrified. It was a lifelong dream of his to own a zoo or a nature reserve of some sorts for Panda’s but surely now with four kids, surely that was not a good time to own a zoo? Or maybe it was? Maybe the kids would become zookeepers and help their papa out? Maybe they didn’t want to be F1 drivers- although he hoped that some of them had an interest in cars- and wanted to do something with animals? He locked his phone and tuned in more to listen to his kids' conversation.

‘Papa isn’t just buying a zoo for Pandas Gabriel, he's buying it for loads of animals!' Evidently, his youngest daughter had also been listening to the conversation despite looking like she had been asleep.

'Well, obviously but the pandas will be the main event!'

Pierre could sense that things were about to escalate quickly. He needed to calm the conversation but fortunately, Charles beat him to it.

‘Mes petits anges, it’s too early to hear you argue.’

‘But Papa is buying a zoo?’ His son asked again.

‘Papa is buying a zoo specifically for the pandas but he’ll have lots of animals in it like Monkeys and snakes to scare dad with.’ Esmé stated firmly her eyes still on the little device in front of her.

The Frenchman bit his lip trying not to smirk. Poor Charles never had much luck with the animals.

‘He’s not buying Monkeys and snakes.’

‘It’s alright daddy, they’ll be locked up so they can’t hurt you.’ Gabriel replied evidently oblivious to his father’s past trauma with both.

‘Still not happening.’

‘Papa?’ His youngest son asked.

He tried not to come across unsure despite his heart beating a million miles an hour. Gabriel’s wide eyes were looking at him now hopefully. He could see Charles gave him a quick side stare, waiting for his answer too. None of the other children seemed as interest already breaking Pierre’s theory that they would be a family of zookeepers.

‘We’ll see when you’re older. Right now I just want to stay at home with you all.’

Gabriel nodded seeming content with the answer and he felt Charles squeeze his thigh tight. It hit Pierre had the answer he gave wasn’t even a lie. He did want to stay here with them all. He knew he couldn’t and a part of him ached to get back to 2022 but for now, he was content to stay here. He wanted to be here. He wanted to get to know his possible children in the future. He wanted to see what Charles was like as a father and husband. Hell, Pierre wanted to know what he was like as a father and husband.

Pierre squeezed Charles's hand back, smiled at him and leant his head back against the headrest deciding to just enjoy this experience.

* * *

They arrived at the track not long later and somehow managed to get through all the press taking photos of them which Raquel absolutely loved. She happily let the media staff take photo’s of her posing and looking cute until Charles pushed her along smiling at the staff awkwardly. They greeted a few drivers- some of which Pierre didn’t know and frankly it scared him how many people he didn’t know or team names. Hopefully, that was due to just dropping into 2035 and not because he just didn't know them. He could still see Mercedes, Red Bull, Ferrari. He hoped that Alpha Tauri were there somewhere.

Esmé led the way through the paddock saying hi to various people herself- at least that was somewhat familiar to Pierre- and into the hospitality centre. Charles had Thomas in his arms carrying the small toddler with one hand holding Raquel’s while Pierre held tightly onto Gabriel’s scared that the boy would run off despite somehow knowing deep down he wouldn’t. His eldest pushed the door open to reveal two boys already in there- one aged around 10 maybe 11 and one a few years younger, a similar age to Esmé maybe?

‘Benny!’ Gabriel screeched letting go of Pierre’s hand running off toward a young boy sitting down on the sofa, ‘Kayden!’

The girls ran off towards the boys loitering around the device in the eldest boys hands. It was very hard to miss the resemblance to Daniel Ricciardo with the curly brown hair and tanned skin however he seemed to lack his father's hyper energy instead, he was sitting calmly on the sofa. The other unknown boy was lying on the floor seemingly looking up at the ceiling staring at nothing. Pierre smirked as he looked closer at the boy and couldn’t help but notice the dirty blonde hair and icy blue eyes were very similar to Max Verstappen. It was reassuring and nice to know that Max and Daniel were together in the future with kids like him and Charles but also that the couples were still very close.

‘Where are your dads?’ Charles asked as he placed Thomas on the floor with a few of his toys. He walked over to the group of kids and threading his hands through Gabriel’s hair.

Benny shrugged as he tilted his game for the girls to see, ‘Not sure. He went to get paper and pencils for Kayden to draw with. He was taking so long we came here.’

‘Do you dad’s know you’re here?’ Charles asked as Benny shrugged his shoulders and Kayden replied back with a quick ‘nope’. Charles turned and muttered to Pierre, ‘Merde. Max probably has the police searching the immediate area then.’

Pierre smirked. Of course, Max would be a massive papa bear over his children. The Frenchman was about to suggest he go out and look for their friends however he was interrupted when the door opened.

‘Ah! There are my troublemakers!’

Pierre turned to see Daniel walking towards them, smiling as always. The Australian placed his backpack on the floor. He patted Pierre on the back, smirked as his eyes glanced down to his neck then he walked past, saying a quick hello to him and then doing the same to Charles before he stood over the eldest boy in the room.

‘I’ve been looking everywhere for you two. I turned around and you both vanished. You’re lucky your papa was dragged away by the Red Bull staff otherwise he would have had every single person here looking for you.’

‘We told Papa where we were going to be here before he was dragged off.’

‘Course you did.’ Daniel stated with some doubt but smiled at his son threading his hands through his son’s curly hair much to the young boy's disgust.

‘Daddy. Did you get me paper?’ Kayden asked sitting up.

‘Course I did my little honey badger.’ Daniel responded placing what seemed to be a whole pack of paper on the floor with a thud and some coloured pens next to his son, ‘Remember to share them.’

Kayden nodded and picked up the colouring pencils. Quickly, the conversation turned to team talk and discussing who would come on the podium today. Pierre was slightly glad to hear that Mercedes dominance had ended and now there were up to 5 teams who had a chance at the constructor's championships- Alpha Tauri being one of them. He listened to the conversation mostly, too scared to say something stupid that would cause suspicion or judgement amongst his husband and friend.

‘I don’t know.’ Charles commented replying to Daniel, who suggested that McLaren had a shot at a double podium, ‘ I reckon Ferrari might have a chance today.’

‘Ze zijn zo langzaam!’ Benny exclaimed leaning back against the sofa. Evidently, he had been listening to the conversation. All these kids seemed very nosey. Daniel looked over at his eldest, a stern look on his face while Max had a small smirk before quickly removing it and mirroring his husband's expression.

‘Benjamin.’ The Australian warned and Pierre was completely lost to what was happening.

‘What? You don’t speak Dutch. You have no idea what I said.’

‘Whenever you speak Dutch, it always when you’re insulting someone.’

Benny huffed and muttered a quick ‘not all the time.’ Kayden, the younger Verstappen-Ricciardo offspring was laughing his arms wrapped tightly around Max’s neck, ‘He said that Ferrari are slow.’

Benny gave his brother a side glare evidently not impressed at being stitched up but the young boy's look was nothing compared to the offended look Charles was giving him.

‘Ferrari are not slow Benny. They have won many championships.’ The Monégasque stated defending his previous team.

'Yeah, when both my papa’s were kids.’

Charles stuttered as Max openly smirked ruffling his son's hair while Daniel was more polite and at least tried to hide his.

‘Benny seems to have the attitude of his father when he was 20.’ Daniel said still smirking but this time towards Max, who rolled his eyes.

‘He’s not wrong is he?’

Daniel just pecked Max on the lips grinning as he did so before kneeling down and talking to Kayden.

Pierre smiled at the Verstappen-Ricciardo family before turning to look at his own. His daughters seemed content with talking to Benny while Gabriel was busy using his toy sitting on Charles’s lap. Pierre turned and sat down next to Thomas, picking up some of his toys and showing them to his son. Thomas laughed as Pierre pretended to drive some of the cars around an imaginary race track, Pierre hoping that his love of cars would carry on through to adulthood. The toddler tried to imitate car engine noises as the race started in the background.

* * *

It was around halfway through, Pierre still on the floor playing with his youngest son when Raquel came over to him almost in tears. He looked up at her concerned and pulled her in a tight hug as she rested her head on his shoulder.

‘What’s wrong Chérie?’

‘My head really hurts.’ She muttered her voice muffled by his t-shirt.

‘Ok. Let’s go somewhere quiet to calm your head.’

Pierre wrapped his arm around his daughter's waist, picking her up. He looked over at Charles who had clocked them. He whispered something into Gabriel’s ear, who nodded in response before the Monégasque came over and sat on the floor with their youngest son. Pierre carefully picked up his daughter, surprised that she wasn’t heavy and left the room.

Despite it being 2035, the layout of the hospitality unit was similar to that in the 2020s. The Frenchman went into the room next door, hoping that it would empty and much to his relief it was. He carried his lightly moaning daughter over to the sofa where he sat down carefully and moved her so she had her head lying in his lap. He couldn’t see a blanket nearby but the weather wasn’t cold so Raquel should be ok and not get cold. He leant down towards her ear.

‘Close your eyes.’ He whispered to her as he slowly started massaging his daughters head where the ache was hoping to ease it, ‘It’ll help.’

Raquel nodded as she closed her eyes. Pierre spent a few minutes rubbing his thumb on the skin above her eyebrow. She was evidently overtired with her bad night’s sleep and coming to Monégasqueza. Rather quickly her breathing evened out and become deep suggesting she had fallen asleep. Pierre smiled to himself and reached to grab his phone which he placed on the side table next to him. Knowing that he would have time to himself, he might as well search up everything he missed in between the crash and turning up here.

He quickly looked on his own Wikipedia and F1 pages checking his achievements and retirement age. He did the same for Charles, finding out his husband- well fiancé at the point- had won a world championship and couldn’t help the burst of pride that ran through his veins as he read the information. Everyone knew that the Monégasque was world champion material and he was glad that his boyfriend got the opportunity to prove it to the world.

He quickly searched up anything to do with his relationship with Charles. There seemed nothing out of the ordinary, their first kiss was mentioned, various photos of them kissing on the paddock, and news about their engagement, wedding, and kids. It didn’t escape Pierre’s attention, when he searched up their wedding, how various news reports listed it as a ‘secret wedding’ to which when Pierre looked into it further discovered that Charles had whisked him away to LA for a weekend, where they got married then a few weeks later and an ‘official’ ceremony with friends and family. It was all very Charles. The Frenchman smiled at his phone, thumb still rubbing his daughters head.

The door opened and Pierre looked up and smiled as he saw Charles come in and walk over to their daughter who was still sleeping soundly. He gave her head a little stroke before kissing Pierre’s forehead. He lifted up Raquel’s legs, sat down and placed them back down on his lap. The Monégasque started tracing patterns on Pierre’s arms absent-mindedly as he looked over at their daughter.

‘She ok now?’

Pierre nodded still rubbing her head with his thumb hoping that when he woke up, her headache would have disappeared. He would hate to have to raided various garages for some paracetamol, ‘Just a little headache, that’s all. How’s the race going?’

‘Ferrari are doing shit. I definitely think Benny or Kayden, or both sneaked into the garage to mess with their engines or something. Alpha Tauri are around 4th and 6th and Red Bull has a 1-2 with McLaren in 3 and 5.’

‘Can’t blame those kids for everything.’

‘I don’t know. Benny has the cunning skills of Max but the innocence of Daniel. That kid would get away with murder.’

Pierre smirked as Raquel shifted slightly almost causing her to topple off both her fathers' laps if it wasn't for their fast reactions to catch her. She moaned slightly but snuggled closer into her papa. Charles still had his hands gripped gently onto her calves as if he wanted to soothe her anyway, he could.

‘She’s getting big.’ Charles muttered looking over at his youngest daughter, ‘They all are.’

Pierre just nodded sadly that he didn't know how small any of his children had once been. It made him strangely sad that he had missed so much of his children growing up even though he had only known that for a few hours. He noted that he needed to find the baby books or any photo albums when he got home to see his children as babies. Of course, he could ask Charles but the latter might start asking questions and frankly, Pierre would have no answers for him.

Raquel moaned a little causing her parents to look down at her. She yawned and stretched almost hitting Pierre in the face to which the latter chuckled. She sat up as Charles released her legs from his grip. She smiled at him as she rubbed her eyes to get rid of the tiredness.

‘You feeling better ma petite lapine?’ The Monégasque asked and she nodded but still snuggled her head against Pierre’s chest.

Daniel entered the room smiling at the family as he did so, loitering by the door.

‘We’re gonna head and get ice creams. You cool with your kids having some?’

‘Yes, I don’t see why not.’ Charles commented looking over at Pierre who nodded, ‘Go on Raquel. Look after your brothers.’

Pierre watched as Raquel nodded and jumped off his lap then grabbed Daniel’s hand as they left the room. He adverted his gaze to Charles, who was smirking at him then walked over to him. The Monégasque shifted closer to him, stroking his arm when he was in reach.

‘So with all the kids under Max and Daniel’s control.’ Charles stated before he slowly moved his arm from his lovers’ arm to his cheek. He then leaned in closer kissed Pierre on the lips slowly then muttered, ‘It seems we have some time to ourselves.’

Pierre grinned then moaned as Charles slipped his hand down the Frenchman’s trousers until he reached his cock and started stroking it slowly, teasing him. Christ, it had been a while since he felt like this. Their sex life really diminished after Charles took on the poor advice from his friends. He kissed Charles harder, biting his lip as Charles stroked slower teasing him further.

Charles wrapped his free arm around Pierre’s back and carefully guided him down so he was lying down on the sofa, Charles resting above him, hands still down his trousers and now boxers. His husband's tongue was currently deep inside his mouth, sliding over his teeth when a pang of emotion entered his chest. He missed all the touching and the feelings. All coherent thoughts left Pierre’s head as the Monégasque ran his tongue around the tip of his penis causing Pierre to moan loudly once more.

‘I’m glad to have gotten you all excited.’ Charles muttered touching Pierre in all the right places, ‘I guess it has been more than 12 hours since we did anything.’

Pierre moaned again his mouth gaping like a fish as Charles continued teasing him. He hadn't changed his tactics that much, it was very similar to what the Monégasque did to arouse him in 2022. 

‘Don’t … have… lube.’ Pierre muttered in between gasps.

‘It’s fine. I’ll just blow you.’

The comment went straight to his dick and he heard Charles chuckled. How old were they now? Roughly 39 and 36 and here they were, acting like naughty teenagers. Christ, if this really was Pierre’s future then he was not disappointed. Also hadn’t Charles said it been longer than 12 hours since they did this implying that they normally had sex twice a day. Christ, the Frenchman was under the impression everyone sex life stopped with kids. Evidently not for them. Pierre moaned again as Charles took him in whole.

* * *

Once finished and Pierre had kindly returned the favour in the form of a hand job, Charles dragged them quickly to the nearest bathroom to get cleaned up and to double-check that there was no cum anywhere though Pierre did realise he looked like he had been dragged through a bush backwards and quickly sorted out his hair. The couple couldn’t stop giggling and exchanging quick kisses hoping that Max and Daniel wouldn’t mind having to watch their kids a little longer as they did so.

Moments like this made Pierre realise how much he missed this side of his relationship in 2022. They used to sneak around the paddock having quick sex in one of their driver rooms or sneaking to the nearest bathroom if there were too many people in the garage. Charles claimed that spending those moments with Pierre always brought him luck. Maybe that was why the Monégasque hadn't been on the podium for a while? He definitely needed to relight the flame in their relationship when he went back.

It took around 10 minutes after vanishing to the bathroom for the couple to reappear back in the room and Pierre did not miss Max was smirking at them knowingly.

‘Papa!’ Kayden shouted across the room annoyed that his father’s attention had been adverted off him for a second, ‘You’re meant to be helping me colour in the Red Bull car.’

Max continued his eye contact with Pierre before turning his head and finding the red pencil. He gave it to Kayden and showed him the correct areas to colour in.

‘Two kids and both obsessed with Red Bull.’

‘You say that like you’re never drove for them.’ Max countered looking up at his husband smiling.

'Not the point. Could easily have been McLaren fans but no. Your Verstappen influence destroyed any chance of that.'

‘Our boys know how to spot a winning team.’

Daniel huffed but smiled nonetheless, love pouring out of the Aussie when looking at his family. It made Pierre glad that the two had found each other during Max’s hardships and were going strong in their relationship back in 2022 and indeed in 2035. Pierre looked around to find his own kids. Esmé eyes were still glued to the TV screen, watching the race. She shifted over slightly as Charles slid next to her, wrapping an arm around her and tucking her close. Their daughter rested her head on his chest and the Monégasque stroked her hair. Raquel was now sitting on the floor near her sister, watching the race with a little interest. Gabriel and Thomas were playing cars with one another near Pierre, the latter now pulling on Pierre’s leg to get his attention.

‘Idiota di penalità. Questa è una penalità!’ Benny shouted at the TV loudly as Pierre knelt down to play with his sons. Daniel pulled him into a sideward hug on the sofa the father son duo were sat on in an attempt to shush him.

‘Questa è una penalità!’ Kayden copied his eyes focused on the drawing so the chances of him having any idea what was going on where zilch. Daniel rolled his eyes, if it wasn’t one child, it was the other.

‘Cinque secondi almeno.’ Esmé stated as well and Pierre blinked in surprise at his daughter speaking Italian. He shouldn’t be surprised. Charles spoke Italian and had done for a while. Evidently, he had taught them all some words. Pierre didn’t care. He loved that his children were multilingual.

* * *

The race ended with both Red Bulls on the podium- much to the joy of the Verstappen-Ricciardo family and a McLaren in third. Only Charles seemed mildly annoyed about Ferrari’s lack of podiums- and Gabriel but Pierre thought he was just copying his daddy which he found very endearing and adorable and the Frenchman just wanted to hug his son tight over how cute it found it all.

‘We better go before Benny hunts down the stewards and threatens to read them the rule book…again.’ Daniel commented picking up his family’s possessions. 

‘Right. I guess we’ll see you all soon. Probably when we’re back in Monaco’

‘The boys will look forward to it no doubt. Message us some dates and we’ll see if Benny’s karting those weekends.’

Pierre blinked at the mention of karting but rather like his daughter speaking Italian, it wasn’t a surprise that the son of Max Verstappen had taken up karting and was aiming to follow his father into the world of F1.

‘Will do.’

‘See you guys.’ Daniel shouted loudly waving to the Gasly-Leclerc kids, who waved back and said bye to the family of four.

‘We better get going as well. I’m sure everyone is tired.’

Pierre looked over to Thomas who was lying on the ground close to falling asleep, Gabriel who was lying on the sofa staring nowhere specific. Only the girls seemed to look somewhat awake and energised still. He picked up all their things and made sure his family headed back towards the car.

* * *

Once they arrived home, Esmé and Gabriel ran up the stairs, possibly to their bedrooms while Raquel headed off left into what Pierre assumed was the living room. Charles followed her, carrying Thomas as he did so. He heard his husband say something about looking after her brother as he played before returning to Pierre in the hallway and pulling him into the kitchen.

‘Urgh.’ Charles exclaimed as they entered the kitchen, ‘I reckon we have about 16 more years till the house is just us again.’

Pierre hummed and leant into Charles hugging him tightly, closing his eyes as he did so. He inhaled his husband's familiar scent and exhaled contently. It was exhausting looking after kids you didn’t even know yet Pierre loved them all immediately and hoped that his actual future was similar if not the same as this one.

'Did you enjoy today?' Charles encircling Pierre's waist with his arms and placing a light kiss to his lips. The pair were rested against the breakfast bar which…

‘Yes. Very much so.’ Pierre responded as soon as Charles pulled away from his lips, ‘More than I ever hope thought I would.’

The Monégasque gave him an odd look but quickly dismissed the comment. He kissed Pierre's forehead then rested his cheek against it. The couple fell into a comfortable silence and Pierre imagined that he was back in 2022

Pierre furrowed his eyebrows as he remembered his boyfriends/husband addiction to fashion.

‘You still working towards your own fashion brand?’ Pierre asked. He’d seen no obvious clues that Charles already owned one or was working with one. Then again, he had only really been in the kitchen and their bedroom since he arrived today. There could be a whole room dedicated to Charles creating new clothes for Armani or something.

‘Of course but that’s on the back burner for now?’

Pierre looked at it confused feeling like he had missed something which was very likely given the circumstances, ‘Remind me again?’

Charles laughed and rubbed Pierre’s cheek with his thumb,' Our family Pear? Remember? We agreed that there was nothing more important than this family so our dreams will be temporarily halted until the kids are old enough. Like with the Zoo thing? Plus we agreed that all our focus would be on the kids.’

Pierre blinked, rather shocked at the answer. Charles had _always_ dreamed of owning his own fashion brand and even wanted to start one during his F1 career.

‘But your dream is still plausible even with kids.’

‘Maybe. But I don’t want to not see them grow up because I’m too busy you know? It was hard when we were both racing, leaving Esmé and Raquel with a carer some weekends. It sucked. I just want to watch them grow then when they’re all old enough to, they can model with us- Pierre rolled his eyes causing Charles to laugh- Then I will start on it.’

The Monégasque placed a gentle kiss on his husband's lips. Pierre was still shocked. Hearing him deliberately halting his dream for the sake of Pierre and their family seemed unbelievable. Did he really mean that much to Charles? Was Pierre worth sacrificing his dream for? This Charles believed so.

‘You still don’t mind. We can make it work?’

‘Nah. I enjoy being a full-time dad with you. 24/7 with my five favourite people is better than my own fashion brand.'

Charles kissed him again before moving to his neck and sucking on the love bite he must have made yesterday. Pierre gasped as he let bliss consume his body once more. He really did miss clingy and obsessed Charles.

‘Look at us, married, four kids’ Pierre muttered as he threaded his hands through Charles’s hair yet again.

‘Could make it five. Watching you with a newborn is sexy.’ Charles muttered as he pulled away slightly from his neck before resuming his obsession with love bites.

Pierre laughed and shook his head ignoring the Monégasque moan as he had to move to reconnect with the Frenchman’s neck, ‘Four is more than enough, we’ve already gotten enough to cover 1/5 of the grid.’

'True shame that only Gabriel seems to have any interest in becoming a formula one driver but he seems more interested in art currently.’

‘That could change. Plus we have Thomas still. We’re not doing much for women in the sports though.’

Charles hummed as he pulled away seemingly done with his neck for now and kissed Pierre quickly again resting their foreheads together. It was in this moment of peace that the Alpha Tauri driver remembered how technically he could still be dying, or he could be dead and this is his last treat before Heaven. He remembered Anthoine’s words of holding on tight although he doubted that Pierre meant physically but who knows it may help.

He tightened his grip around Charles who looked at him, smile faltered and his face filled with concern. Slowly, the Monégasque removed one of his own hands from Pierre’s waist and gently caressed his cheek.

‘What’s wrong Mon Coeur?’

Pierre shrugged as he rested his head against Charles’s shoulder. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

‘Do you remember 2022?’

He really hoped wherever he was; dream, actual future, wherever, that the events of 2022 happened so Pierre wasn’t about to sound absolutely insane.

‘Which part?’

‘The fight, the accident. That part.’

Guilt immediately filled the Monégasque face and Pierre was somewhat relieved that the same events did happen. He placed his hand against Charles’s cheek to which the Monégasque gently leant into to. The pair stared at each other before Charles exhaled loudly and tightened his grip back onto Pierre.

‘What about it?’

'You didn't stay with me because of it, right? I know you loved-love me but you didn’t continue our relationship because you felt guilty about it all.’

‘Pierre. Where has this all come from?’

Pierre bit his lip. Where had this come from? Minutes ago, he was adamant that he would be going back to save his relationship. What had changed? What if this place was just to live out his dream of having a future with Charles. Today was everything he had ever wanted.

‘Pierre.’ He stated, ‘You are the love of my life. Everything we have is what I’ve ever dreamed of and beyond. There was never could be else. Ever.’

‘I’m wasn’t sad.’ He stated rather randomly causing Charles to look confused, ‘In 2022, I wasn’t sad well I was but not with you. Not with us. I was insecure over racing and my seat and everything about me but never you.’

‘I know. I know. We moved past that. We overcame those difficulties and it made our relationship so much stronger.’

'I know but it scared me how close I was to losing this. To not have this.' Pierre replied fear present in his voice, ‘What if it’s too late?’

‘What are you on about?’

‘I’m dying. My heart stopped.’

The fear was really prominent now and Charles looked over Pierre softly. He moved his hand from his waist and placed it over the Frenchman’s heart. Pierre placed his own hand over Charles’s and felt the soft thumping underneath.

‘It’s still beating Pear. You’re still here, still alive.’

‘Am I?’

‘Of course, you are. You're here with me and I am not going to let you go that easily. I didn't in 2022 and I'm not now. I promise. We're soulmates remember?'

_You’ re soulmates_

Anthoine’s words rung in his ears yet again and Pierre took a shaky breath before pulling Charles closer for a kiss. It was merely a transfer of emotion; fear and love from Pierre’s side and reassurance and love from Charles’s. He could do this. He could fight back. He thought he found the motivation earlier but being here, seeing his potential family, he needed to go back. He needed to live this life. He needed to fight for his relationship with Charles.

‘I’m going to go back.’ Pierre stated confidently with a smile on his face.

‘To Monza?’ Charles asked confused his hands still entwined with Pierre’s on his chest, who laughed heartily and kissed his husband on the lips.

‘Something like that.’

Charles looked at the Frenchman bewildered before shaking his head and pulling him in close for a hug.

‘I’m going to make sure the kids haven’t killed each other.’

Charles kissed Pierre again and the latter made sure to linger a little longer causing Charles to chuckle before pinching his lover's waist.

Pierre closed his eyes letting Charles’s touch fade into his body. When he opened his eyes again, he noticed that his kitchen door had changed into one found in the room of the in-between. The Frenchman smirked, sad that he never got to say goodbye to his kids…but it wasn't goodbye, was it? He would see them again in the future. His future. He would go back, wake up and make up with Charles.

He pushed himself off the breakfast bar and gripped the door handle tightly. He pulled the door open, walked into the light and hoped he woke up either in the hospital or the world of the in-between.

* * *

Pierre woke up in the white room and he felt somewhat relieved though disappointed that he wasn’t back in the real world yet. Shakily he stood up even though he couldn’t recall ever collapsing to the ground. This place really was weird.

‘What happened?’ He asked as he slowly stood up, feeling slightly dizzy. He looked over at his companion, slightly glad that he was still here.

‘You died I think.’ The elder man stated looking at Pierre, ‘You disappeared when you went outside and you’ve been gone for a few minutes. Now you’re here.’

‘I meant… never mind.’ Pierre replied. The Frenchman wanted to know why he felt dizzy and was on the floor and just didn’t walk through like previous times, ‘I saw my friend and then…my future I think.’

‘Your friend?’ The elder man questioned confused.

‘He passed away a few years back.’ Pierre replied as he noticed surprise appear on his companion's face, ‘I didn’t think I would see him again.’

'Well, I guess people do see loved ones when they died.' The elder man stated, 'And your future? How odd normally, this world chooses whether you see your future or not.'

‘I did walk through a door like these ones.’

The elder man looked at Pierre quizzically but seeming to accept the information that he was being told, 'How interesting. I guess I really do not know everything about this world then.'

Pierre chuckled and sighed but smiled.

‘I’m not giving up on me and Charles.’ He stated confidently, ‘I’m not. I’m going to fix this all when I wake up.’

‘Good to hear.’

‘I want my family and I want to live. I want to see my friends and see myself old.’

The elder man nodded approvingly just as Pierre swayed and felt himself falling forward. Luckily the elder man caught him and held him upright, ‘Hey there. You ok?’

‘My chest really hurts.’ Pierre muttered as he struggled to open his eyes, ‘And my head is pounding.’

‘I think you’re waking up.’ The man muttered hands still gripped onto Pierre tightly. He looked around, scanning the doors as he did so. Pierre followed his gaze and saw a slightly bigger door with a gold handle shining against the dull colour of the wooden doors.

‘What’s that?’

‘The door home.’

Pierre blinked and rested against one of the walls. He felt tired, sick and now could hear voices. His breathing also felt slightly restrictive. Surely waking up meant that you were getting better and not having these symptoms? 

‘Storm before the calm.’ The Elder man stated, ‘I won’t lie and say it’ll get better. I don’t know what your injuries are.’

‘I’m sure I’ll be fine.’ Pierre muttered squeezing his eyes shut as pain shot throughout his body.

‘I know you will be.’

‘I’m not going to remember this am I? Max didn’t.’

The elder man shook his head sadly, ‘No but that fight you have in you, that’ll stay. Your want to survive and go back and fix your relationship will still be there.’

‘That’s fine then.’ Pierre muttered clutching his stomach.

The Frenchman then pushed himself off the wall and started heading towards the big door. He knew he was swaying slightly and that the elder man was following him behind. He stopped a few metre away from it. Pierre took a deep breath.

‘Thank you.’ Pierre stated looking back towards is companion throughout his travels, ‘Thank you for looking after me.’

'Well, it would be bad of me to help Max and not you, I guess.' He stated but then winked, much to Pierre's surprise, 'You're welcome.'

Pierre smiled, turned back and grabbed onto the door handle tightly. His chest was aching ever so much and he felt as if his head was about to explode but he didn’t care. It meant he was closer, he was closer to waking up. All he needed to do was push. He turned to see his companion one last time and smiled as best he could. Pierre hoped it looked genuine and not forced. He wanted the elder man to know how grateful he was. His companion smiled back and tilted his head forward indicating that the Frenchman should go. Granting his last wish, Pierre pushed down on the door handle, ignore the blinding white gleam that came from inside and walked forward.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it!  
> Comment/Criticise/Kudos if you want


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